It's Been Awhile

Wow, I am sorry its been entirely too long. I want to give a quick recap of the past few months.

I mentioned previously that we had decided to take a couple of months and have a break to emotionally and physically regroup. 

In January, I met with my new doctor. I brought all of my paperwork from my previous doctor and had all my answers for her ready to go. She took one look at me and at my paper work and said 

"You don't have PCOS. I have to confirm through bloodwork, but I am 99% sure you were misdiagnosed."

I'm telling you I felt so much relief and so much disappointment all in one moment, it's a little hard to explain. On one hand for almost 3 years, I had an answer, was on medication and on a path to which I thought was going the right direction. On the other, I thought maybe, just maybe - there is a simpler answer to getting our little one! 

After bloodwork confirmed that I do not have PCOS, my new doctor decided that because I was misdiagnosed, she needed to redo all the testing. So in I went for 2 procedures, countless bloodwork, another analysis for Jon, etc. 

In March the doctor brought us in and said "There is no obvious reason for why you are not getting pregnant. Everything is fine, but you have been trying for long enough - let's get you pregnant!"
Jon asked our doctor, "How many people have unexplained infertility?" and she explained that about 50% of the couples she sees have no answer. If you are in that boat - I feel your frustration.

But, can I just say, I love this doctor? She and her staff have been truly amazing the last 3 months and I feel so comfortable with the journey we are on now, even when we don't have answers. 

So the plan was set that we would do three rounds of injectables with timed intercourse. In April we started our first round of injections. I never thought I would be so excited to give myself a shot every night. I had bruises on my tummy and I had to get an ultrasound and bloodwork every two days. Everything went really well and we were able to trigger on my birthday and followed all the instructions to a "T" but unfortunately it was unsuccessful in ending in pregnancy.

We went back the next month and the doctor did an ultrasound to get us started on the next round and unfortunately found that I had 3 large cysts on my ovaries. Because of this, we could not move forward with that round. I felt like it was our last chance because I was moving to Utah for the summer to complete my internship.

That was a horrible few weeks and I can honestly say the only reason I was able to get through it because of Jon. He is truly my rock and God placed him in my life as my husband for a reason. He has been so strong at times when I feel weak. I don't know what I would do without him.

So where are we now? Currently everything is on pause until August - which is when I will be back from my internship. We are hoping that when I get back we can jump back into the routine and get this baby cooking!

Now that I'm (almost) done with school, I am going to get on a weekly blogging schedule and possibly starting a youtube channel. So stay tuned - there are good thing to come!

Infertility Can Be Funny Sometimes

Life is a funny thing and boy, do I love to laugh. My last few posts have been on some experiences that have been less than happy. I think in any situation we have to find the positives and the things that make us laugh. Those moments give us some relief from the problems that we face. So I've decided to recount some of the funnier things that infertility has brought to us! 

• Having to explain to my husband why I am grabbing my boobs. I, of course, want to make sure that they are really "tender" and I'm not just imagining it. 

• While visiting my German doctor, I would often try and decipher what she was saying. When she first told me that the surgery she was going to do was called "ovarian drilling" I thought there was a translation error. So I was pretty horrified to learn that it was actually the real name. 

• Then while googling "ovarian drilling," I came across a video on youtube that showed the whole procedure. I was watching it during some down time at work, and had to explain to my boss what I was looking at. He immediately walked out of my office shaking his head.

• After my surgery, I talked for 2 hours and I have no recollection of it. My sweet friends listened to me talk about how many languages I can count in, and asking them whether or not they wanted to see my boobs or about how bada** my other doctors mustache was. 

• When people I know started reading my blog, I often got a lot of apologies, because people wanted to make sure that they were the ones that said anything on my list of "things your shouldn't say" to someone with infertility. And then the awkward conversation that follows with me trying to explain that it wasn't about them. 

• The look on someone's face when after they ask if we are trying and respond with "Oh, yeah! We tried last night! We hope it took!" 

• The look on someone's face when I say "I've got a couple bum ovaries so it's taking longer than expected!"

• The time a doctor's wife told me that all I needed to do was wait a couple weeks or months and make sure my husband was "stopped up" and then his sperm would be "super strong."

• The amount of times I slept with a pillow or two under my rear to create a "gravity" affect after a session of "trying."

• The RIDICULOUS things I have cried about while on clomid: mountain dew, having one more pill to take, a swimsuit, my hair... the list could go on and on, but it might get embarrassing. 

• The time my husband told my mom and sister the reason why he liked to eat hummus so much was because it raises sperm count!

There have been countless moments where I have laughed until I cried over the silly things that have happened throughout this journey. And, oh how I needed those times. I think laughter can really be the best medicine in times of trial. When we seek out positive and funny moments, we begin to see positively. Life is easy for no one, but everyone can find humor in it. 

What are some funny things that have happened to you while struggling with infertility? 

Climbing My Mountain

I was recently reading one of my favorite LDS conference talks by Henry B Eyring called Mountains to Climb. I've read it a million times and each time it has struck a chord as I've traveled through the different phases in my life. It has helped me realign my faith in Jesus Christ so that I can better climb these spiritual "mountains."

Henry B. Eyring explains that he asked the Lord to strengthen his faith, and two days later he was hit with the hardest trial in his life. I asked myself why anyone would ask for a trial in their life? Why would you want suffering, tribulation, doubts, and uncertainty?

He goes on to explain that if we rely on our faith and lean on the atonement of Jesus Christ while we endure to the end, we will be strengthened through that trial and be lifted up in the end. (Watch this video for a quick but powerful excerpt from his talk).

Now that we live in Colorado, we can go hiking on many beautiful trails. On Labor Day we decided to hike a trail that was a little difficult at times, as I am still adjusting to this new altitude. I kept thinking, how much longer can this trail go up? It would seem that we were almost at the top and I would look up and see another switchback. I think, at one point, I said "Is this a joke?"

At times I would get a glimpse of the view that was offered through the trees and between peaks of other mountains. And I was almost content enough to stop there and turn back; I didn't really need to finish this trail. I kept going, for only one reason - my husband wanted to finish. People on mountain bikes were coming down the mountain and I thought, it would be nice to just glide through the mountain quickly and be down and finished in no time at all.

Finally, we made it to the top, where we found a huge rock and we climbed up to enjoy the view. Not only was the view bigger and better than the small glimpses I had received earlier, but I could also see the entire other side of the mountain. The climb was worth the view.

Sometimes I don't understand why I am going through this trial of infertility. Why am I being denied the blessing of becoming a mother, albeit just for the time? Will this "mountain" ever stop going up? Will there ever be relief from this trial?

Trials don't go on forever, I know that. But sometimes it is the hard journey we endure, like when we are hiking, that makes us better appreciate the end view. My end view will be a baby in my arms and the hole in my heart will be filled. It will, no doubt, be the biggest blessing in my life.

We all have mountains to climb, different trials to endure. But the most important part of the trial that we have is our willingness to endure it. When we endure, we show God that we are trusting His plan, and He will bless us because of it. We must continue to fight the urge to give up and to settle for less than the blessings that we are going to eventually realize.

It may be hard to remember while we are in the midst of a very painful experience, but the view at the end, the blessing that we will receive for enduring and continuing on, will one day make it all worth it. 

The Black Box

We recently moved from Germany to Colorado. 

Over the last few years while we were TTC, I have collected some baby items that were on sale, or someone gave to me, or blankets my mom kept from when I was a baby. Everything went into a box in our spare bedroom and I would forget about it.

When the movers came to pack our things in Germany, everything was taken out of my box and put it in a box of their own, combined with a lot of other odds and ends. It was marked clothing and after our stuff was delivered it was put into our bedroom. I opened the box and realized that I had no choice but to go through it all. 

During this trial, there are really good days where I feel confident in the Lord's plan, and then there are really bad days where the pain seems to consume everything I do. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of opening that box and taking out every item, every hope, every dream. It was crippling, and I couldn't help but sob as I transferred it all to another box to be stored away, not being used. 

Jonathan walked into the bedroom to find me crying and saw all the baby things and knew exactly what  happened. He didn't say anything just held me while I tried to stop crying. Its not fair. There is honestly no other way to put it. I calculated that we are into our 42nd cycle of trying to conceive. We are well over the 4 year mark of when we actually decided to start trying but with Jonathan's career it has been hard to be consistently trying when he is not home for months at a time. 

That full black box makes me feel empty. I know that one day - no matter how fall off it seems - all that stuff will spit up on, used, dirty, but for now it is the painful constant reminder of the one thing we don't have and the one thing we are missing out on. There is a void in our lives that cannot be filled with anything else. 

Weeks prior to this, I bought a small sign that says "Faith is trusting in what we can't see!" 

If I have learned anything from this last week it is a better resolve to have more faith. I cannot see the end of this trial when every passing month is another battle lost. But even though I cannot see an end in sight, I can have faith that there will be an end to this. The Lord NEVER breaks his promises. I can have faith that the things that the Lord has promised us will one day be realized. I can have faith that there is a reason for this painful trial. I have have faith that through this trial, I can learn something and hopefully help someone else. 

It's been awhile.. How about some updates!

After I shared my blog publicly, it was like everything in our life turned upside down!

Jonathan was admitted to the hospital in May with a spontaneous lung collapse, because apparently your lung can randomly, with no warning or trauma, collapse. It was pretty serious and he spent 10 days in the hospital where he had a chest tube put in and two pieces of his lung removed.

Thankfully, he is doing MUCH better. And I am so glad to see the difference, because it is really scary watching your husband in the ICU not being able to breath while his skin starts slowly turn gray. He is getting back to normal now, and will hopefully be able to get back to his previous activity level.

Soon after he was released from the hospital, my family came to visit for one last hoorah be for we moved from Germany. The day after they left, all of our furniture and belongings were packed up and put on a ship and two weeks after that we left our home in Germany.

It was so bittersweet to leave our home for the last three years. There is always going to be a hole in my heart where Germany was, but I am glad to be settled in our new home in Colorado. We've been here for a week and already we love it. I am glad to be within a 5 minute drive from Target and to be able to go to Walmart at 11:00 pm if I need to!

I am excited to get a new doctor and take the next step in this infertility journey. My last round of clomid was taken in July and failed. It was heart breaking - I think more so this time because I knew what it would mean for us; IUI/IVF, thousands of dollars, injections, tests, more tests, ultrasounds, and probably a lot more tears. And to be honest with you, I'm tired. I'm so drained, emotionally and physically, from everything. The clomid unfortunately made me gain weight, I hate the way I feel, like I'm constantly fatigued. Like I'm fighting this battle against myself.

In a way, it felt like I was giving up. But after thinking and praying, I know that sometimes you need to take a step back from the constant worrying and obsessing over something and regroup.
So I told Jonathan that instead of jumping right into getting a new doctor and starting medication and treatment right away, I want to wait. It's painful to decide that I don't want to try to have a baby right now, but its not forever. We need to settle in our new home, decompress from the stress of the last few months, get my body healthy, and then jump back into it.

I'm giving myself a few months. I would like to start seeing a doctor again at the first of the new year. We are going to save as much money as we can so that we will be prepared for the financial strain that is coming our way. I am going to be working on making my body as healthy as can be, so that hopefully it will increase my chances of getting pregnant. I'm also making a commitment to post more, and hopefully share some insight and encouraging posts with others who are struggling!

Thank you for all the support I have received over the last few months after sharing my blog. It is so comforting to know how many people are rooting for you and to connect with other women and couples who are struggling as well! We pray for you daily and know that God has a plan for each and every one of us. For now, hold on to each other, to your faith, and keep fighting!

You are NOT Alone - He Remembers the Barren.

I'm a religious person, and I have not hid that in writing this blog. 

Today I was reading in the New Testament for a class I'm taking for school. We have a student choice assignment, with one choice being to write a blog post about what we learned. As soon as I finished reading, I knew I needed to write what I felt here. I chose the second topic choice, being Luke, chapter 1 - the birth of John the Baptist. 

Luke 1:36 - 37 KJV

"(36) And, behold, the cousin Elisabeth, she hath also conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her, who was called barren. (37) For with God nothing shall be impossible."

Now we know that Elisabeth was an old woman in her "stricken years" and even in her young years she was considered barren and unable to have a child. I know how Elisabeth felt. I know the pain she felt when she saw her husbands sadness at not having a child. I know how she felt watching other mothers love their babies.
I know why so many people were so happy and rejoiced that Elisabeth was carrying a child. They rejoiced that this woman who never had a child would bring forth a miracle and an important hand in the plan of our Heavenly Father. 

There are times when going through this trial of infertility, that I feel very alone. I feel like I am working toward the impossible. After all, if my doctor can't fix it, I guess it can't be done. 

I feel like Mary a little bit in this trial; I question, how can this happen? How can the things God has promised me come to pass? 

As Gabriel, the angel, said to Mary, "nothing" is impossible for God. 

God had a plan for Elisabeth. 

God has a plan for me. 

We are not forgotten. We are not alone. He is with us. He is our greatest supporter and our greatest strength. He remembers the barren and he blesses us for our faith and our patience. We can rejoice in knowing that God knows us, our pains, and our suffering and He will provide a way to give us what He has planned. 

Nothing is impossible for God. 

What Am I Supposed To Be Learning?

I just got home from an extremely disappointing appointment. 

My doctor said "There is nothing else I can do for you."

Everything checks out; my hormone analysis looks fine, Jonathan is fine, my ultrasound looks fine. 

So where is my baby? Where is my positive test? Why isn't it happening??

Frustrated is the only word that even kind of describes how I'm feeling. 

I got in my car and with tears in my eyes backed into the car behind me - thank goodness there was no damage! 

I got to the pharmacy to fill my prescription and they told me that they cannot get it in. 

On top of all of that, I'm pretty sure I've got strep-throat. 

It seems like the whole world is conspiring against me, and I hate to be a whiner, but I kept thinking why me?

I was praying on my drive home, asking "What do I need to learn to get through this trial?" 

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? 3 1/2 years is such a long time. 

But I have to remember, other people have done longer. Other people are enduring worse things than me. This is not a punishment for something I did wrong. Wanting a baby is a good and righteous desire. So I started to think about the blessings that have come from this trial... 

I have an even closer relationship with my husband, Jonathan.

My testimony of the Atonement has increased ten-fold. 

I've met some amazing people who have similar stories. 

I have gained knowledge of so many things that will help me in my future career. 

I'm beginning to understand what true faith really is.

The list could go on and on I'm sure, but those blessings right there have helped make this journey easier, and I'm sure one day I will look back and think that all the blessings gained from this trial will make it all worth it. For now, I'm not sure what I am supposed to be learning, if anything. I do know that God has a plan for me. All of these problems and trials are molding me into a better person, into a more compassionate and understanding person; someone that God wants me to be.