9 things NOT to say to a woman going through infertility.

If we had a dollar for every time someone gave us some "advice" on our infertility issues, we could probably have enough money for a round of IVF or to adopt a precious baby. 

I get it though. It's one of those situations where you're not really sure what to say to make it better and so you make up some story about how your aunt's-college roommate's-best friend's-doctor's-ex lover had success by sticking her head in a bucket of mash potatoes every night during her fertile days and she got pregnant doing that after 7 years of trying. 

Ok - I've never had anyone tell me that specific story, but definitely some far fetched ideas have been thrown our way. So here is my list of things that you probably should avoid telling a couple who is suffering through infertility.  

1. JUST RELAX AND IT'LL HAPPEN

I'm listing this one first because it is by far the most common. Infertility is a very stressful process - every month she goes through pretty much the same thing. She starts her period, she counts her days so that she knows which days to look for during the cycle. She charts her temperature. She takes ovulation tests. When (more like if in my case) she gets a positive she calls her husband to hurry up and come home because it's time to do the baby dance. And they probably do that baby dance for the next 3 days and then there is the two-week-wait. And during that wait she is analyzing every symptom her body is giving her and thinking, hoping, that it in fact a sign of pregnancy; all while charting her temps, checking cervical fluid, and eating as many fertility super foods as she can. And then when she hits that day where she decides to take a test and it turns out that her boobs do not hurt because she is pregnant, or the nausea that she had yesterday was not morning sickness, because it's negative. Then later that day or maybe a couple days after that - she starts her period. It's a vicious and seems-to-be never ending cycle. It's a little bit hard to relax. 

2. WELL AT LEAST YOU GET TO HAVE FUN "TRYING"

DO NOT get me wrong, I love being with my husband. But when my phone chimes at me and says "You're fertile, have sex today!" I want to roll my eyes. It is my belief that God gave us the ability to have sex for two reasons; to procreate and to be intimate and express love to our spouse. When you are trying to get pregnant on a timeline and you are just doing it because it is supposedly the right time, it takes the romance completely out. 

3. I WASN'T EVEN TRYING AND WE GOT PREGNANT

There is nothing worse than hearing from friend about how she wasn't even trying and she just decided to take a test randomly and it was positive. I'm happy for you that you get to have a baby, but don't brag about being Fertile Myrtle, all she will want to do is punch you in the mouth. 

4. BEING PREGNANT IS SO MISERABLE

There are so many things I could say about this but I will keep it as short as I can. Do not complain to a woman who spends tons of money and time trying to be in your situation. There is a woman I know who has regularly complained to me and in front of me (and knows my situation) about how she did not want her youngest child and about how miserable she was and how she is grateful for her child now that they are here but she just hated it and she gained so much weight and didn't want him and blah blah blah. WHAT? 

Understand this; women dealing with infertility do not want to be pregnant - they want a child. It is not about being pregnant and finding out the gender and buying maternity clothes and having people fuss over you. We want a baby - plain and simple. We would gladly endure months of morning sickness and tons of weight gain just to have a baby at the end of it all. 

5. WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADOPT?

My husband and I fully plan to adopt one day. We have talked about it since we were engaged and didn't even know we would fight this battle. Whether we have blood related children, we will still adopt children one day. Unfortunately, adoption is very expensive. Many couples going through infertility have already spent thousands upon thousands of dollars doing Clomid, IUI, IVF, etc. A lot of couple take out loans to pay for these costs and when the time comes to try adoption, $40,000 for the average private adoption seems impossible. 

I will post another time about the reasons why adoption isn't possible for us at the moment, or else we might have already done that. 

6. YOU'RE SO LUCKY YOU GET TO DO....... WITHOUT KIDS.

We get this one a lot in regards to traveling. Living in Europe has afforded us so many opportunities to get out and see the world. We've had people time and time again tell us how lucky we are that we don't have to tote around a carseat or diaper bag or whatever and we can just go travel. I love traveling and I love living in Europe, but I know that these times of traveling childless will mean nothing to me in comparison of holding my little baby for the first time, or seeing my husband rock our child to sleep. I'll take a couple of kids over traveling the world any day. 

7. IT'S JUST NOT IN GOD'S PLAN 

I'm sorry, did you get a direct revelation from the guy upstairs Himself? I didn't think so. I know God wants me to have children, and I know he will provide a way one day for us to do so. Enough said. 

8. YOU WANT KIDS? HERE JUST TAKE MINE.

I love kids - I work with them all day. But offering up your misbehaving 4 year old to me is no consolation to the fact that I can't have kids right now. And no, I don't want to take your kids for a couple nights so I can "see what I'm trying to get myself into" thanks though!

9. JUST KEEP "AT IT" AND IT'LL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY

You mean that I have to keep having sex with my husband to get pregnant? And exactly how long to you keep at it? 2 years? 3 years? 7 years? Oh and then tell me that you got pregnant in one month because you just kept "doing it". 

Oh no wonder we haven't gotten pregnant yet.... 

All in all if you know someone who is going through this painful struggle just be there for her. Listen when she needs an ear and unless you've been through infertility yourself, try not to give any advice. She's chosen you to confide in, do not lose that trust by saying something that can further her hurting. 

Look out for my follow up post on things you SHOULD say to someone going through infertility. 

Keep Smiling!