The Black Box

We recently moved from Germany to Colorado. 

Over the last few years while we were TTC, I have collected some baby items that were on sale, or someone gave to me, or blankets my mom kept from when I was a baby. Everything went into a box in our spare bedroom and I would forget about it.

When the movers came to pack our things in Germany, everything was taken out of my box and put it in a box of their own, combined with a lot of other odds and ends. It was marked clothing and after our stuff was delivered it was put into our bedroom. I opened the box and realized that I had no choice but to go through it all. 

During this trial, there are really good days where I feel confident in the Lord's plan, and then there are really bad days where the pain seems to consume everything I do. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of opening that box and taking out every item, every hope, every dream. It was crippling, and I couldn't help but sob as I transferred it all to another box to be stored away, not being used. 

Jonathan walked into the bedroom to find me crying and saw all the baby things and knew exactly what  happened. He didn't say anything just held me while I tried to stop crying. Its not fair. There is honestly no other way to put it. I calculated that we are into our 42nd cycle of trying to conceive. We are well over the 4 year mark of when we actually decided to start trying but with Jonathan's career it has been hard to be consistently trying when he is not home for months at a time. 

That full black box makes me feel empty. I know that one day - no matter how fall off it seems - all that stuff will spit up on, used, dirty, but for now it is the painful constant reminder of the one thing we don't have and the one thing we are missing out on. There is a void in our lives that cannot be filled with anything else. 

Weeks prior to this, I bought a small sign that says "Faith is trusting in what we can't see!" 

If I have learned anything from this last week it is a better resolve to have more faith. I cannot see the end of this trial when every passing month is another battle lost. But even though I cannot see an end in sight, I can have faith that there will be an end to this. The Lord NEVER breaks his promises. I can have faith that the things that the Lord has promised us will one day be realized. I can have faith that there is a reason for this painful trial. I have have faith that through this trial, I can learn something and hopefully help someone else. 

It's been awhile.. How about some updates!

After I shared my blog publicly, it was like everything in our life turned upside down!

Jonathan was admitted to the hospital in May with a spontaneous lung collapse, because apparently your lung can randomly, with no warning or trauma, collapse. It was pretty serious and he spent 10 days in the hospital where he had a chest tube put in and two pieces of his lung removed.

Thankfully, he is doing MUCH better. And I am so glad to see the difference, because it is really scary watching your husband in the ICU not being able to breath while his skin starts slowly turn gray. He is getting back to normal now, and will hopefully be able to get back to his previous activity level.

Soon after he was released from the hospital, my family came to visit for one last hoorah be for we moved from Germany. The day after they left, all of our furniture and belongings were packed up and put on a ship and two weeks after that we left our home in Germany.

It was so bittersweet to leave our home for the last three years. There is always going to be a hole in my heart where Germany was, but I am glad to be settled in our new home in Colorado. We've been here for a week and already we love it. I am glad to be within a 5 minute drive from Target and to be able to go to Walmart at 11:00 pm if I need to!

I am excited to get a new doctor and take the next step in this infertility journey. My last round of clomid was taken in July and failed. It was heart breaking - I think more so this time because I knew what it would mean for us; IUI/IVF, thousands of dollars, injections, tests, more tests, ultrasounds, and probably a lot more tears. And to be honest with you, I'm tired. I'm so drained, emotionally and physically, from everything. The clomid unfortunately made me gain weight, I hate the way I feel, like I'm constantly fatigued. Like I'm fighting this battle against myself.

In a way, it felt like I was giving up. But after thinking and praying, I know that sometimes you need to take a step back from the constant worrying and obsessing over something and regroup.
So I told Jonathan that instead of jumping right into getting a new doctor and starting medication and treatment right away, I want to wait. It's painful to decide that I don't want to try to have a baby right now, but its not forever. We need to settle in our new home, decompress from the stress of the last few months, get my body healthy, and then jump back into it.

I'm giving myself a few months. I would like to start seeing a doctor again at the first of the new year. We are going to save as much money as we can so that we will be prepared for the financial strain that is coming our way. I am going to be working on making my body as healthy as can be, so that hopefully it will increase my chances of getting pregnant. I'm also making a commitment to post more, and hopefully share some insight and encouraging posts with others who are struggling!

Thank you for all the support I have received over the last few months after sharing my blog. It is so comforting to know how many people are rooting for you and to connect with other women and couples who are struggling as well! We pray for you daily and know that God has a plan for each and every one of us. For now, hold on to each other, to your faith, and keep fighting!