It's been awhile; I had a broken computer, the German pharmacies were out of clomid (I can't make this stuff up) and so 2 months went by without taking it, so there wasn't much to update on.
I had another visit with the doctor. We've got 4 more rounds of clomid and then it's on to IVF. The doctor double my dosage, so let's see what the next 4 months have in store for us.
In someways I'm a little relieved to know that we have an end in sight to taking clomid and we can move onto something else. But in others I know that IVF and/or adoption is a little far off for us - speaking of that, does anyone have an extra $15,000 laying around? HA!
Jonathan had his "check-up" and everything is fine, just as I suspected.
Recently, I've been having a lot of self-doubt. Thoughts come into my mind that say, "Maybe God doesn't think you'll be a good mom and that's why you aren't getting pregnant."
Deep down I know that is not the reason, and that God does have a specific plan for me and that when I have children it will be the right time, but these thoughts still get to me.
Then I have these experiences where I run into situations where I see what seems to be an unfit mother. I try not to judge people because in my experience I don't know what they've been through, what kind of day they've had or how long their kid has been crying today. But while I was waiting for Jonathan's appointment to be done, people were coming in and out of the waiting room of the lab at the hospital. These two women walked in and their conversation went as follows
"Yeah but when I have this kid I'm going to give it to my husband and say this is your fault, you deal with it!" "I just can't get excited about this baby, I'm turing 21 this year and now my birthday will be ruined because of this stupid baby" To which he friend replied " You know studies are inconclusive about drinking alcohol while pregnant so if you do drink you will be fine. After all when I was pregnant with my daughter, I got drunk at like 6 weeks before I realized I was pregnant and look how she turned out!"
I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to bite my tongue and not scream at these girls "How selfish can you be?! Don't you know people would die to be in your position; that I would die to be in your position???"
So instead of yelling at them, I choked back the tears that were starting to form and prayed as hardest as I could that I wouldn't cry in front of these girls and I wouldn't embarrass myself by yelling in a public place to these people who probably would just remember that I was crazy, crying, and yelling at them because I eavesdropped on their conversation. I prayed to understand why I couldn't have a baby, but this "unfit" person could. I prayed that I wouldn't punch this girl and go to jail for assault.
As I prayed, there was this overwhelming feeling of peace. God was hearing my prayers, and he understood my frustration. These feelings of self-doubt were coming from the adversary and God did not want me to feel like I was unworthy of being a mom. But He does have a plan, and His reason for postponing my becoming a mom is not because I don't deserve it, or that I won't be a good one. He has a reason, and I may never know it, but regardless He has a plan for my life and for the lives of my future children.
I think God has allowed me to have these experiences so that I could come to this realization that He has a very specific plan for us. I, of course, knew this but the Lord knew that I needed this reminder. I'm so glad to have had this realization and to have a renewed faith in the Lord's plan and love for me.
