The Most Important Work

I recently had someone say to me, as their child was screaming and crying, "are you sure you really want this?" They went on to complain about how tired they were and how lucky I was I didn't have to deal with this and that. I, of course, replied with "I'm sure I do." But in my heart I was screaming at them, "OF COURSE I want a child. I feel like I need a child!"

Then later that same night I read a blog post by a woman explaining all the reasons why she will never have children. It made me sick to my stomach. The reasons were petty things (in my eyes) like she knew that she needed sleep more than she needed children, or that children were a financial burden. I immediately broke down in tears after reading this article. Not because she was putting down my dream of having kids or because she was one who probably could have children easily if she wanted. I cried because I knew that she was wrong, and she would probably never see it. I cried because I knew that even though I don't have a child to look after right now, I wasn't lucky as I was told earlier that day. 

It was the next day when I was again reminded of this quote. 

Seriously... C.S. Lewis was the bomb dot com in my humble opinion. 

The children of today are the future of tomorrow. They are not a distraction or burden upon present careers or vacations or bank accounts. Yes, they are expensive. Yes, they cry and whine. And yes, when they are teenagers you will probably have to fight tooth and nail with them and they'll probably still think their mom is not cool. But they are also a part of who you are. If you teach them honesty and kindness and charity and love, those things will go forward in the world. Children are your legacy - not your bank account or how many awesome vacations you took. 

It is funny how my view has changed over the last 3 years of our TTC journey.

I was just telling Jonathan last night, when we first started trying to get pregnant it was because I thought "Well it's probably about that time, we've been married for about a year now." and "Wouldn't it be fun to have a little baby to dress up who looked just like us?"

Those were honestly my thoughts. Sure, I understood that having a baby is a big adventure, and that it was going to be a lot of work, but honestly, at that time in my life it wasn't something that I needed. I just thought it would be kind of cool and I saw how cute all the little ones at church were in their Sunday clothes and thought "Yeah we could do that."

Now that we've been trying for over 3 years, my reasoning has changed. I no longer feel like I want a baby to dress up. I don't even necessarily want a baby who might look like me or Jonathan. My want has become a need. My eyes were opened to just how special parenthood is and how much joy it brings. I've seen it in the lives of our friends and family. I understand now more than ever that there is a void in my heart that can be filled no other way. I read a quote from a pastor named David Platt that says "There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

Now, I know that some day I will be a mother. But unfortunately I don't know when. And I feel that pain with every negative pregnancy test and every passing month. I do know that when my child does come - however that may be - I will have a greater love and appreciation for that sweet baby than any amount of money could ever bring to me. 

10 ways you can support someone going through infertility.

Hi there! This is a follow up from my post 9 things not to say to a woman going through infertility
And while that post was mostly meant to be comical, this is serious and real.

Infertility is one of those things that someone shares with you about their lives, and you're not exactly sure what to say to make it better. I get a lot of "I'm sorry" or I get some of the comments from my previous post. Now the comments stated on the previous post are things you definitely shouldn't say, there are some things that can really help a woman in this struggle.

1. Be informed.
I definitely don't mean research all aspects of infertility and conditions that cause it, but be informed of the commonality of infertility, and of her specific issues and treatments. The more you know about her condition or struggles, the more you can be a help and support to her.

2. I'm praying for you. 
I cannot begin to tell you the strength I get from prayer in my life. When someone tells me that they are praying for me, I know the power behind it. I've had so many wonderful people tell me that they are praying for us or have kept us in their prayers and even though there is no baby yet, I can tell you without a doubt that those prayers are what help me through this struggle.

3. Ask them what they need.
Although you cannot do everything, you can find out what they need. Maybe they need a dinner after a procedure or maybe they just need a girls night out. Understand that the response you get might be "Oh, nothing!" But listen to her and you might just pick up enough cues to find out she does in fact need something even if its just a hug.

4. Remember her on Mother's Day.
Mother's day has been one of the hardest days for me the last couple of years. I've been blessed to know wonderful people who always give me a hug and let me know that they are thinking of me. I've even had women tell me that they are grateful for the motherly influence I have on their own children.

5. Tell them about your pregnancy.
I have never expected my friends and family to hold off having a baby, or even a second baby just because I have had issues with it. What I do expect is honesty. Nothing hurts more than being the last one to find out because they were attempting to save hurt feelings. I am always excited to hear about a friend who is having a baby, and it doesn't make me want that same thing for myself any less, I am grateful to hear that another deserving family will be blessed with a beautiful baby.

6. Don't complain about your pregnancy. 
Part two of telling them about your pregnancy is not telling them how much you hate it. I don't want to know that you "just can't get excited about this pregnancy" or you wish you "would have waited a few more months to get pregnant." Remember your growing belly can be a painful reminder to her of something she cannot have right now, so remain positive, even if it is just around her.

7. Be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. 
Sometimes having a friend with infertility can seem like its all you ever hear about. Understand that it is often hard for a woman to confide those very private and raw feelings to someone, and if she does tell you how she's feeling, do NOT break that trust by saying things I mentioned in my previous post. And try to remember that at times less is more when it comes to advice. Sometimes she just needs someone to listen and not judge her.

8. Keep the things she tells you to yourself.
Once again, she chose you to confide in, so don't break that trust. Some of the worst questions or comments I get from people are from ones who have heard from so and so that we're going through treatment and then I get bombarded with a bunch of questions about infertility or my issues from someone I don't really care to talk to about it. Then I end up feeling very resentful toward the person who shared my struggles with other people.

9. Support their decisions. 
If they want to try a new treatment, diet, try adoption/foster care, or stop treatment all together. Support them. They are not asking permission if they tell you they are changing their game plan. If you don't agree with it, keep it to yourself.

10. Attend difficult appointments with them. 
My husband is REALLY busy at work and rarely gets time off during normal hours, and in fact, he has never actually been to one of my infertility appointments, so when a friend offers to go with me, it is a huge relief to me. First, I have someone I can talk to while I wait. Second, I have someone who is there if I get bad/good news who can act as a second set of ears/eyes because let's be honest, these appointments can often be emotional and my mind is going a million miles a second and I need someone with a clear head to confirm that I actually did hear that things are good/bad.


So there you have it. The gist is, just be there, be honest, and help out when you can. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life who have been so supportive to us. I don't think its any coincidence that certain people have been placed in my life the last couple of years to support and help uplift me.

Remember to smile everyone!

Clomid Round Two

Long story short... 

Starting cycle day 8 I took ovulation tests (OPK) for the next 8 days. If you've never taken an OPK before, they are like really hard to read. The test line basically has to be as dark or darker than the control line or else its negative. These were all my tests. 

 I was getting negatives every day and feel super discouraged. I felt like I was taking this medicine for nothing because it wasn't even working. But then I had my mid-month appointment with my doctor.

 I had an ultrasound and found out that I had actually ovulated that morning. This was my reaction... 

I may have even yelled "SURPRISE!!!" 

Ok, not really, but really I was so freaking excited. Turns out that my test from the day before was actually positive, even though the line looked lighter it had a strip in part of it that was a little darker than the test line. The doctor gave the go ahead to "get down to business" and sent me on my way. 

But in the end I'm not pregnant and so we are going for round two. 

I felt really sorry for myself at first but then I realized that the clomid actually worked. Sure, I'm not pregnant, but I ovulated - which is definitely more than I can say for the past 3 years. And that alone is reason enough to smile. We are on our way to fixing this problem and making that baby. 

9 things NOT to say to a woman going through infertility.

If we had a dollar for every time someone gave us some "advice" on our infertility issues, we could probably have enough money for a round of IVF or to adopt a precious baby. 

I get it though. It's one of those situations where you're not really sure what to say to make it better and so you make up some story about how your aunt's-college roommate's-best friend's-doctor's-ex lover had success by sticking her head in a bucket of mash potatoes every night during her fertile days and she got pregnant doing that after 7 years of trying. 

Ok - I've never had anyone tell me that specific story, but definitely some far fetched ideas have been thrown our way. So here is my list of things that you probably should avoid telling a couple who is suffering through infertility.  

1. JUST RELAX AND IT'LL HAPPEN

I'm listing this one first because it is by far the most common. Infertility is a very stressful process - every month she goes through pretty much the same thing. She starts her period, she counts her days so that she knows which days to look for during the cycle. She charts her temperature. She takes ovulation tests. When (more like if in my case) she gets a positive she calls her husband to hurry up and come home because it's time to do the baby dance. And they probably do that baby dance for the next 3 days and then there is the two-week-wait. And during that wait she is analyzing every symptom her body is giving her and thinking, hoping, that it in fact a sign of pregnancy; all while charting her temps, checking cervical fluid, and eating as many fertility super foods as she can. And then when she hits that day where she decides to take a test and it turns out that her boobs do not hurt because she is pregnant, or the nausea that she had yesterday was not morning sickness, because it's negative. Then later that day or maybe a couple days after that - she starts her period. It's a vicious and seems-to-be never ending cycle. It's a little bit hard to relax. 

2. WELL AT LEAST YOU GET TO HAVE FUN "TRYING"

DO NOT get me wrong, I love being with my husband. But when my phone chimes at me and says "You're fertile, have sex today!" I want to roll my eyes. It is my belief that God gave us the ability to have sex for two reasons; to procreate and to be intimate and express love to our spouse. When you are trying to get pregnant on a timeline and you are just doing it because it is supposedly the right time, it takes the romance completely out. 

3. I WASN'T EVEN TRYING AND WE GOT PREGNANT

There is nothing worse than hearing from friend about how she wasn't even trying and she just decided to take a test randomly and it was positive. I'm happy for you that you get to have a baby, but don't brag about being Fertile Myrtle, all she will want to do is punch you in the mouth. 

4. BEING PREGNANT IS SO MISERABLE

There are so many things I could say about this but I will keep it as short as I can. Do not complain to a woman who spends tons of money and time trying to be in your situation. There is a woman I know who has regularly complained to me and in front of me (and knows my situation) about how she did not want her youngest child and about how miserable she was and how she is grateful for her child now that they are here but she just hated it and she gained so much weight and didn't want him and blah blah blah. WHAT? 

Understand this; women dealing with infertility do not want to be pregnant - they want a child. It is not about being pregnant and finding out the gender and buying maternity clothes and having people fuss over you. We want a baby - plain and simple. We would gladly endure months of morning sickness and tons of weight gain just to have a baby at the end of it all. 

5. WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADOPT?

My husband and I fully plan to adopt one day. We have talked about it since we were engaged and didn't even know we would fight this battle. Whether we have blood related children, we will still adopt children one day. Unfortunately, adoption is very expensive. Many couples going through infertility have already spent thousands upon thousands of dollars doing Clomid, IUI, IVF, etc. A lot of couple take out loans to pay for these costs and when the time comes to try adoption, $40,000 for the average private adoption seems impossible. 

I will post another time about the reasons why adoption isn't possible for us at the moment, or else we might have already done that. 

6. YOU'RE SO LUCKY YOU GET TO DO....... WITHOUT KIDS.

We get this one a lot in regards to traveling. Living in Europe has afforded us so many opportunities to get out and see the world. We've had people time and time again tell us how lucky we are that we don't have to tote around a carseat or diaper bag or whatever and we can just go travel. I love traveling and I love living in Europe, but I know that these times of traveling childless will mean nothing to me in comparison of holding my little baby for the first time, or seeing my husband rock our child to sleep. I'll take a couple of kids over traveling the world any day. 

7. IT'S JUST NOT IN GOD'S PLAN 

I'm sorry, did you get a direct revelation from the guy upstairs Himself? I didn't think so. I know God wants me to have children, and I know he will provide a way one day for us to do so. Enough said. 

8. YOU WANT KIDS? HERE JUST TAKE MINE.

I love kids - I work with them all day. But offering up your misbehaving 4 year old to me is no consolation to the fact that I can't have kids right now. And no, I don't want to take your kids for a couple nights so I can "see what I'm trying to get myself into" thanks though!

9. JUST KEEP "AT IT" AND IT'LL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY

You mean that I have to keep having sex with my husband to get pregnant? And exactly how long to you keep at it? 2 years? 3 years? 7 years? Oh and then tell me that you got pregnant in one month because you just kept "doing it". 

Oh no wonder we haven't gotten pregnant yet.... 

All in all if you know someone who is going through this painful struggle just be there for her. Listen when she needs an ear and unless you've been through infertility yourself, try not to give any advice. She's chosen you to confide in, do not lose that trust by saying something that can further her hurting. 

Look out for my follow up post on things you SHOULD say to someone going through infertility. 

Keep Smiling! 

First Round of Clomid & How I'm Grinning Through It

Today is the last day (of 5 days) of our first round of clomid. 

Let me just say, it hasn't been the easiest week ever. 

Estrogen is quite the pest if its being over produced for 5 days straight. 

We picked it up on Monday and I took it as soon as I got home. (See how happy we were?)

I didn't notice much the first night other than a slight headache about 4 hours after taking it. 

Day 2 was a little bit different. I had a couple of hot flashes and a pretty decent headache but I felt okay for the most part. Jonathan called after work and asked if he should pick anything up on his way home. All I wanted was a Mt. Dew - for some reason I was craving it even though for years I have been nothing but a DP kinda girl. He said that he didn't think I should drink Mt. Dew because its bad for me, bad for my teeth, bad if I get pregnant... blah blah blah. I told him I wanted it anyway and if he couldn't find any at the store I would settle for a juice. 

20 minutes later he's home and hands me a bottle of juice. And that's when I broke down. I cried, I yelled, I got angry. I told him that he didn't get to choose what I put in my body when I'm the one going through all of these side effects and treatments. 

Poor guy. 

He's been a trooper though. He is truly THE best. I told him next time he sees me starting to get upset just to tell me that the Estrogen monster is showing it's ugly face and to just slap me. He's been a little bit nicer when those times did come and has just been calmly telling me he thinks I need a minute. How blessed am I? For real.

Days 3 and 4 were okay other than feeling super bloated, nauseous, and hot. I wake up a lot at night feeling really hot which makes sleeping pretty impossible but we are working through it and taking it day by day. I did get upset and cry at insignificant things but I've got the best shoulder to cry on.

 I'm about to go take the last dose for this cycle. And then comes about 3 weeks of waiting (SIGH).

I'm able to grin through all of these side effects this week because I thought we were going to be about 2 months away from these treatments. Jon was scheduled to be at a training for work for 26 days, and it fell through and he came home at the last minute. I called my doctor the next day to make an appointment because he was home. Usually it takes about a month to get in to see her, but the nurse asked if I could come in on Friday. I ended up starting my cycle on Wednesday and when the appointment came around the doctor thought everything looked great and was confident that I should be able to start the treatments. 

Seriously, the timing could not have been any more perfect. Clomid has to be taken on certain days of the cycle; either 3-7 or 5-9 depending on what the doctor sees on a scan. I had been feeling in limbo for months of waiting to be able to begin fertility treatments and it all worked out so smoothly. I've got follow up appointments for ultrasounds and blood work in the next coming weeks! 

I know the Lord works in ways that we cannot understand. I don't think that there are really such things as coincidences. I'm not getting hopes up of pregnancy this time around but the doctor is confident that in 3-4 rounds we should finally see our big fat positive. 

Purpose.

Infertility is hard - like really gut-wrenching, heart-breaking hard. 

3 years (and counting) of waiting is a long time. And the worst part of it is, I don't know how much longer it will be until we can meet our future baby. 

And we REALLY want to meet them.

I spend a lot of the time reading articles and books about infertility and PCOS. I guess I'm trying to fill the time that I would spend caring for a baby. I've had surgeries and procedures, taken tons of medications, more blood tests than I can count, and I don't even know how much money we've spent on ovulation and pregnancy tests. Month after month of disappointment really begins to weigh on a person.

I was very bitter for awhile. It seemed as if EVERYONE was getting exactly what I wanted and just couldn't have. I found myself depressed, angry, and obsessing over how horrible my life seemed. Not only were people we knew getting pregnant once, but they had the audacity to have a second baby... Before we even had our first?! I couldn't walk through the store without seeing a pregnant woman and instantly turning away. I couldn't be happy for friends who were able to get pregnant within the first few months of "trying". I would cry seeing baby clothes at the store. As you can imagine, my emotions were getting a little out of hand. 

Then a few months ago I had a realization. I saw this woman waddling through the store and instantly felt mad at her. WHAT? I thought to myself - how freaking silly. I don't know her. I've never walked (or waddled) in her shoes. Maybe she got pregnant after 3 years of trying and enduring infertility treatments. Maybe she had lost a baby. Maybe she had no trouble at all. And then it hit me - whatever her story was, she didn't get pregnant to HURT ME. She probably got pregnant because she wanted the same things I did; she wanted to be a mom and she was going to love her baby, no matter how much I wished that I had what she had. So instead of looking away, I decided to smile at her. 

I realized that I may never get pregnant - and that is the cold hard truth. It won't be the end of the world, and it will hurt like hell, but I will be ok. I'll be a mother - whether I get pregnant, adopt, foster, get a surrogate, or whatever else. I WILL be a mother. 

It doesn't make me any less of a woman because I can't get pregnant (whether that's just for now, or forever). It doesn't mean that my life is not worth living. After all, I have so much to be thankful for - a wonderful caring husband, a home, food in my fridge, healthcare, a bed to sleep in at night, a job that I love, and the Lord helping me along the way. I came to understand how ungrateful I was being. I had so many things that so many people around the world would die for and I needed to stop taking my blessings for granted. 

Life is not meant to be miserable - but everyone has hard times. There are people who have many more hard times than I can even comprehend. When I smiled at that woman with swollen ankles and tired eyes that I envied so much, I finally understood; if we can smile through the hard times and endure the pain of our trials we can be happy, even when it seems like things are falling apart. Her returned smile changed my attitude and helped me begin to find my happiness through infertility. 

I know that I'm still going to have bad days, and there will be days that I will still complain and cry and wonder why me? But I know that if I grin and bear it through the rough times, I will come out stronger than I ever have been. 

I want to take my experiences, good and bad, and use them for the greater good. I want to help other women who are in my situation, try and see a light at the end of the tunnel, because there is an end of the long tunnel of infertility. And if I can reach and touch the life of just one of the other 7 million women going through infertility, I will know that all of this time and pain we've endured will have been worth it. 

Join us as we learn to enjoy the good times and "grin and baer it" through the not so good. 

-Kailey