The Most Important Work

I recently had someone say to me, as their child was screaming and crying, "are you sure you really want this?" They went on to complain about how tired they were and how lucky I was I didn't have to deal with this and that. I, of course, replied with "I'm sure I do." But in my heart I was screaming at them, "OF COURSE I want a child. I feel like I need a child!"

Then later that same night I read a blog post by a woman explaining all the reasons why she will never have children. It made me sick to my stomach. The reasons were petty things (in my eyes) like she knew that she needed sleep more than she needed children, or that children were a financial burden. I immediately broke down in tears after reading this article. Not because she was putting down my dream of having kids or because she was one who probably could have children easily if she wanted. I cried because I knew that she was wrong, and she would probably never see it. I cried because I knew that even though I don't have a child to look after right now, I wasn't lucky as I was told earlier that day. 

It was the next day when I was again reminded of this quote. 

Seriously... C.S. Lewis was the bomb dot com in my humble opinion. 

The children of today are the future of tomorrow. They are not a distraction or burden upon present careers or vacations or bank accounts. Yes, they are expensive. Yes, they cry and whine. And yes, when they are teenagers you will probably have to fight tooth and nail with them and they'll probably still think their mom is not cool. But they are also a part of who you are. If you teach them honesty and kindness and charity and love, those things will go forward in the world. Children are your legacy - not your bank account or how many awesome vacations you took. 

It is funny how my view has changed over the last 3 years of our TTC journey.

I was just telling Jonathan last night, when we first started trying to get pregnant it was because I thought "Well it's probably about that time, we've been married for about a year now." and "Wouldn't it be fun to have a little baby to dress up who looked just like us?"

Those were honestly my thoughts. Sure, I understood that having a baby is a big adventure, and that it was going to be a lot of work, but honestly, at that time in my life it wasn't something that I needed. I just thought it would be kind of cool and I saw how cute all the little ones at church were in their Sunday clothes and thought "Yeah we could do that."

Now that we've been trying for over 3 years, my reasoning has changed. I no longer feel like I want a baby to dress up. I don't even necessarily want a baby who might look like me or Jonathan. My want has become a need. My eyes were opened to just how special parenthood is and how much joy it brings. I've seen it in the lives of our friends and family. I understand now more than ever that there is a void in my heart that can be filled no other way. I read a quote from a pastor named David Platt that says "There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

Now, I know that some day I will be a mother. But unfortunately I don't know when. And I feel that pain with every negative pregnancy test and every passing month. I do know that when my child does come - however that may be - I will have a greater love and appreciation for that sweet baby than any amount of money could ever bring to me. 

10 ways you can support someone going through infertility.

Hi there! This is a follow up from my post 9 things not to say to a woman going through infertility
And while that post was mostly meant to be comical, this is serious and real.

Infertility is one of those things that someone shares with you about their lives, and you're not exactly sure what to say to make it better. I get a lot of "I'm sorry" or I get some of the comments from my previous post. Now the comments stated on the previous post are things you definitely shouldn't say, there are some things that can really help a woman in this struggle.

1. Be informed.
I definitely don't mean research all aspects of infertility and conditions that cause it, but be informed of the commonality of infertility, and of her specific issues and treatments. The more you know about her condition or struggles, the more you can be a help and support to her.

2. I'm praying for you. 
I cannot begin to tell you the strength I get from prayer in my life. When someone tells me that they are praying for me, I know the power behind it. I've had so many wonderful people tell me that they are praying for us or have kept us in their prayers and even though there is no baby yet, I can tell you without a doubt that those prayers are what help me through this struggle.

3. Ask them what they need.
Although you cannot do everything, you can find out what they need. Maybe they need a dinner after a procedure or maybe they just need a girls night out. Understand that the response you get might be "Oh, nothing!" But listen to her and you might just pick up enough cues to find out she does in fact need something even if its just a hug.

4. Remember her on Mother's Day.
Mother's day has been one of the hardest days for me the last couple of years. I've been blessed to know wonderful people who always give me a hug and let me know that they are thinking of me. I've even had women tell me that they are grateful for the motherly influence I have on their own children.

5. Tell them about your pregnancy.
I have never expected my friends and family to hold off having a baby, or even a second baby just because I have had issues with it. What I do expect is honesty. Nothing hurts more than being the last one to find out because they were attempting to save hurt feelings. I am always excited to hear about a friend who is having a baby, and it doesn't make me want that same thing for myself any less, I am grateful to hear that another deserving family will be blessed with a beautiful baby.

6. Don't complain about your pregnancy. 
Part two of telling them about your pregnancy is not telling them how much you hate it. I don't want to know that you "just can't get excited about this pregnancy" or you wish you "would have waited a few more months to get pregnant." Remember your growing belly can be a painful reminder to her of something she cannot have right now, so remain positive, even if it is just around her.

7. Be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. 
Sometimes having a friend with infertility can seem like its all you ever hear about. Understand that it is often hard for a woman to confide those very private and raw feelings to someone, and if she does tell you how she's feeling, do NOT break that trust by saying things I mentioned in my previous post. And try to remember that at times less is more when it comes to advice. Sometimes she just needs someone to listen and not judge her.

8. Keep the things she tells you to yourself.
Once again, she chose you to confide in, so don't break that trust. Some of the worst questions or comments I get from people are from ones who have heard from so and so that we're going through treatment and then I get bombarded with a bunch of questions about infertility or my issues from someone I don't really care to talk to about it. Then I end up feeling very resentful toward the person who shared my struggles with other people.

9. Support their decisions. 
If they want to try a new treatment, diet, try adoption/foster care, or stop treatment all together. Support them. They are not asking permission if they tell you they are changing their game plan. If you don't agree with it, keep it to yourself.

10. Attend difficult appointments with them. 
My husband is REALLY busy at work and rarely gets time off during normal hours, and in fact, he has never actually been to one of my infertility appointments, so when a friend offers to go with me, it is a huge relief to me. First, I have someone I can talk to while I wait. Second, I have someone who is there if I get bad/good news who can act as a second set of ears/eyes because let's be honest, these appointments can often be emotional and my mind is going a million miles a second and I need someone with a clear head to confirm that I actually did hear that things are good/bad.


So there you have it. The gist is, just be there, be honest, and help out when you can. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life who have been so supportive to us. I don't think its any coincidence that certain people have been placed in my life the last couple of years to support and help uplift me.

Remember to smile everyone!