The Black Box

We recently moved from Germany to Colorado. 

Over the last few years while we were TTC, I have collected some baby items that were on sale, or someone gave to me, or blankets my mom kept from when I was a baby. Everything went into a box in our spare bedroom and I would forget about it.

When the movers came to pack our things in Germany, everything was taken out of my box and put it in a box of their own, combined with a lot of other odds and ends. It was marked clothing and after our stuff was delivered it was put into our bedroom. I opened the box and realized that I had no choice but to go through it all. 

During this trial, there are really good days where I feel confident in the Lord's plan, and then there are really bad days where the pain seems to consume everything I do. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of opening that box and taking out every item, every hope, every dream. It was crippling, and I couldn't help but sob as I transferred it all to another box to be stored away, not being used. 

Jonathan walked into the bedroom to find me crying and saw all the baby things and knew exactly what  happened. He didn't say anything just held me while I tried to stop crying. Its not fair. There is honestly no other way to put it. I calculated that we are into our 42nd cycle of trying to conceive. We are well over the 4 year mark of when we actually decided to start trying but with Jonathan's career it has been hard to be consistently trying when he is not home for months at a time. 

That full black box makes me feel empty. I know that one day - no matter how fall off it seems - all that stuff will spit up on, used, dirty, but for now it is the painful constant reminder of the one thing we don't have and the one thing we are missing out on. There is a void in our lives that cannot be filled with anything else. 

Weeks prior to this, I bought a small sign that says "Faith is trusting in what we can't see!" 

If I have learned anything from this last week it is a better resolve to have more faith. I cannot see the end of this trial when every passing month is another battle lost. But even though I cannot see an end in sight, I can have faith that there will be an end to this. The Lord NEVER breaks his promises. I can have faith that the things that the Lord has promised us will one day be realized. I can have faith that there is a reason for this painful trial. I have have faith that through this trial, I can learn something and hopefully help someone else.