10 ways you can support someone going through infertility.

Hi there! This is a follow up from my post 9 things not to say to a woman going through infertility
And while that post was mostly meant to be comical, this is serious and real.

Infertility is one of those things that someone shares with you about their lives, and you're not exactly sure what to say to make it better. I get a lot of "I'm sorry" or I get some of the comments from my previous post. Now the comments stated on the previous post are things you definitely shouldn't say, there are some things that can really help a woman in this struggle.

1. Be informed.
I definitely don't mean research all aspects of infertility and conditions that cause it, but be informed of the commonality of infertility, and of her specific issues and treatments. The more you know about her condition or struggles, the more you can be a help and support to her.

2. I'm praying for you. 
I cannot begin to tell you the strength I get from prayer in my life. When someone tells me that they are praying for me, I know the power behind it. I've had so many wonderful people tell me that they are praying for us or have kept us in their prayers and even though there is no baby yet, I can tell you without a doubt that those prayers are what help me through this struggle.

3. Ask them what they need.
Although you cannot do everything, you can find out what they need. Maybe they need a dinner after a procedure or maybe they just need a girls night out. Understand that the response you get might be "Oh, nothing!" But listen to her and you might just pick up enough cues to find out she does in fact need something even if its just a hug.

4. Remember her on Mother's Day.
Mother's day has been one of the hardest days for me the last couple of years. I've been blessed to know wonderful people who always give me a hug and let me know that they are thinking of me. I've even had women tell me that they are grateful for the motherly influence I have on their own children.

5. Tell them about your pregnancy.
I have never expected my friends and family to hold off having a baby, or even a second baby just because I have had issues with it. What I do expect is honesty. Nothing hurts more than being the last one to find out because they were attempting to save hurt feelings. I am always excited to hear about a friend who is having a baby, and it doesn't make me want that same thing for myself any less, I am grateful to hear that another deserving family will be blessed with a beautiful baby.

6. Don't complain about your pregnancy. 
Part two of telling them about your pregnancy is not telling them how much you hate it. I don't want to know that you "just can't get excited about this pregnancy" or you wish you "would have waited a few more months to get pregnant." Remember your growing belly can be a painful reminder to her of something she cannot have right now, so remain positive, even if it is just around her.

7. Be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. 
Sometimes having a friend with infertility can seem like its all you ever hear about. Understand that it is often hard for a woman to confide those very private and raw feelings to someone, and if she does tell you how she's feeling, do NOT break that trust by saying things I mentioned in my previous post. And try to remember that at times less is more when it comes to advice. Sometimes she just needs someone to listen and not judge her.

8. Keep the things she tells you to yourself.
Once again, she chose you to confide in, so don't break that trust. Some of the worst questions or comments I get from people are from ones who have heard from so and so that we're going through treatment and then I get bombarded with a bunch of questions about infertility or my issues from someone I don't really care to talk to about it. Then I end up feeling very resentful toward the person who shared my struggles with other people.

9. Support their decisions. 
If they want to try a new treatment, diet, try adoption/foster care, or stop treatment all together. Support them. They are not asking permission if they tell you they are changing their game plan. If you don't agree with it, keep it to yourself.

10. Attend difficult appointments with them. 
My husband is REALLY busy at work and rarely gets time off during normal hours, and in fact, he has never actually been to one of my infertility appointments, so when a friend offers to go with me, it is a huge relief to me. First, I have someone I can talk to while I wait. Second, I have someone who is there if I get bad/good news who can act as a second set of ears/eyes because let's be honest, these appointments can often be emotional and my mind is going a million miles a second and I need someone with a clear head to confirm that I actually did hear that things are good/bad.


So there you have it. The gist is, just be there, be honest, and help out when you can. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life who have been so supportive to us. I don't think its any coincidence that certain people have been placed in my life the last couple of years to support and help uplift me.

Remember to smile everyone!