The Black Box

We recently moved from Germany to Colorado. 

Over the last few years while we were TTC, I have collected some baby items that were on sale, or someone gave to me, or blankets my mom kept from when I was a baby. Everything went into a box in our spare bedroom and I would forget about it.

When the movers came to pack our things in Germany, everything was taken out of my box and put it in a box of their own, combined with a lot of other odds and ends. It was marked clothing and after our stuff was delivered it was put into our bedroom. I opened the box and realized that I had no choice but to go through it all. 

During this trial, there are really good days where I feel confident in the Lord's plan, and then there are really bad days where the pain seems to consume everything I do. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of opening that box and taking out every item, every hope, every dream. It was crippling, and I couldn't help but sob as I transferred it all to another box to be stored away, not being used. 

Jonathan walked into the bedroom to find me crying and saw all the baby things and knew exactly what  happened. He didn't say anything just held me while I tried to stop crying. Its not fair. There is honestly no other way to put it. I calculated that we are into our 42nd cycle of trying to conceive. We are well over the 4 year mark of when we actually decided to start trying but with Jonathan's career it has been hard to be consistently trying when he is not home for months at a time. 

That full black box makes me feel empty. I know that one day - no matter how fall off it seems - all that stuff will spit up on, used, dirty, but for now it is the painful constant reminder of the one thing we don't have and the one thing we are missing out on. There is a void in our lives that cannot be filled with anything else. 

Weeks prior to this, I bought a small sign that says "Faith is trusting in what we can't see!" 

If I have learned anything from this last week it is a better resolve to have more faith. I cannot see the end of this trial when every passing month is another battle lost. But even though I cannot see an end in sight, I can have faith that there will be an end to this. The Lord NEVER breaks his promises. I can have faith that the things that the Lord has promised us will one day be realized. I can have faith that there is a reason for this painful trial. I have have faith that through this trial, I can learn something and hopefully help someone else. 

It's been awhile.. How about some updates!

After I shared my blog publicly, it was like everything in our life turned upside down!

Jonathan was admitted to the hospital in May with a spontaneous lung collapse, because apparently your lung can randomly, with no warning or trauma, collapse. It was pretty serious and he spent 10 days in the hospital where he had a chest tube put in and two pieces of his lung removed.

Thankfully, he is doing MUCH better. And I am so glad to see the difference, because it is really scary watching your husband in the ICU not being able to breath while his skin starts slowly turn gray. He is getting back to normal now, and will hopefully be able to get back to his previous activity level.

Soon after he was released from the hospital, my family came to visit for one last hoorah be for we moved from Germany. The day after they left, all of our furniture and belongings were packed up and put on a ship and two weeks after that we left our home in Germany.

It was so bittersweet to leave our home for the last three years. There is always going to be a hole in my heart where Germany was, but I am glad to be settled in our new home in Colorado. We've been here for a week and already we love it. I am glad to be within a 5 minute drive from Target and to be able to go to Walmart at 11:00 pm if I need to!

I am excited to get a new doctor and take the next step in this infertility journey. My last round of clomid was taken in July and failed. It was heart breaking - I think more so this time because I knew what it would mean for us; IUI/IVF, thousands of dollars, injections, tests, more tests, ultrasounds, and probably a lot more tears. And to be honest with you, I'm tired. I'm so drained, emotionally and physically, from everything. The clomid unfortunately made me gain weight, I hate the way I feel, like I'm constantly fatigued. Like I'm fighting this battle against myself.

In a way, it felt like I was giving up. But after thinking and praying, I know that sometimes you need to take a step back from the constant worrying and obsessing over something and regroup.
So I told Jonathan that instead of jumping right into getting a new doctor and starting medication and treatment right away, I want to wait. It's painful to decide that I don't want to try to have a baby right now, but its not forever. We need to settle in our new home, decompress from the stress of the last few months, get my body healthy, and then jump back into it.

I'm giving myself a few months. I would like to start seeing a doctor again at the first of the new year. We are going to save as much money as we can so that we will be prepared for the financial strain that is coming our way. I am going to be working on making my body as healthy as can be, so that hopefully it will increase my chances of getting pregnant. I'm also making a commitment to post more, and hopefully share some insight and encouraging posts with others who are struggling!

Thank you for all the support I have received over the last few months after sharing my blog. It is so comforting to know how many people are rooting for you and to connect with other women and couples who are struggling as well! We pray for you daily and know that God has a plan for each and every one of us. For now, hold on to each other, to your faith, and keep fighting!

You are NOT Alone - He Remembers the Barren.

I'm a religious person, and I have not hid that in writing this blog. 

Today I was reading in the New Testament for a class I'm taking for school. We have a student choice assignment, with one choice being to write a blog post about what we learned. As soon as I finished reading, I knew I needed to write what I felt here. I chose the second topic choice, being Luke, chapter 1 - the birth of John the Baptist. 

Luke 1:36 - 37 KJV

"(36) And, behold, the cousin Elisabeth, she hath also conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her, who was called barren. (37) For with God nothing shall be impossible."

Now we know that Elisabeth was an old woman in her "stricken years" and even in her young years she was considered barren and unable to have a child. I know how Elisabeth felt. I know the pain she felt when she saw her husbands sadness at not having a child. I know how she felt watching other mothers love their babies.
I know why so many people were so happy and rejoiced that Elisabeth was carrying a child. They rejoiced that this woman who never had a child would bring forth a miracle and an important hand in the plan of our Heavenly Father. 

There are times when going through this trial of infertility, that I feel very alone. I feel like I am working toward the impossible. After all, if my doctor can't fix it, I guess it can't be done. 

I feel like Mary a little bit in this trial; I question, how can this happen? How can the things God has promised me come to pass? 

As Gabriel, the angel, said to Mary, "nothing" is impossible for God. 

God had a plan for Elisabeth. 

God has a plan for me. 

We are not forgotten. We are not alone. He is with us. He is our greatest supporter and our greatest strength. He remembers the barren and he blesses us for our faith and our patience. We can rejoice in knowing that God knows us, our pains, and our suffering and He will provide a way to give us what He has planned. 

Nothing is impossible for God. 

What Am I Supposed To Be Learning?

I just got home from an extremely disappointing appointment. 

My doctor said "There is nothing else I can do for you."

Everything checks out; my hormone analysis looks fine, Jonathan is fine, my ultrasound looks fine. 

So where is my baby? Where is my positive test? Why isn't it happening??

Frustrated is the only word that even kind of describes how I'm feeling. 

I got in my car and with tears in my eyes backed into the car behind me - thank goodness there was no damage! 

I got to the pharmacy to fill my prescription and they told me that they cannot get it in. 

On top of all of that, I'm pretty sure I've got strep-throat. 

It seems like the whole world is conspiring against me, and I hate to be a whiner, but I kept thinking why me?

I was praying on my drive home, asking "What do I need to learn to get through this trial?" 

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? 3 1/2 years is such a long time. 

But I have to remember, other people have done longer. Other people are enduring worse things than me. This is not a punishment for something I did wrong. Wanting a baby is a good and righteous desire. So I started to think about the blessings that have come from this trial... 

I have an even closer relationship with my husband, Jonathan.

My testimony of the Atonement has increased ten-fold. 

I've met some amazing people who have similar stories. 

I have gained knowledge of so many things that will help me in my future career. 

I'm beginning to understand what true faith really is.

The list could go on and on I'm sure, but those blessings right there have helped make this journey easier, and I'm sure one day I will look back and think that all the blessings gained from this trial will make it all worth it. For now, I'm not sure what I am supposed to be learning, if anything. I do know that God has a plan for me. All of these problems and trials are molding me into a better person, into a more compassionate and understanding person; someone that God wants me to be. 

Updates and a Realization

It's been awhile; I had a broken computer, the German pharmacies were out of clomid (I can't make this stuff up) and so 2 months went by without taking it, so there wasn't much to update on.

 I had another visit with the doctor. We've got 4 more rounds of clomid and then it's on to IVF. The doctor double my dosage, so let's see what the next 4 months have in store for us.

In someways I'm a little relieved to know that we have an end in sight to taking clomid and we can move onto something else. But in others I know that IVF and/or adoption is a little far off for us - speaking of that, does anyone have an extra $15,000 laying around? HA! 

Jonathan had his "check-up" and everything is fine, just as I suspected. 

Recently, I've been having a lot of self-doubt. Thoughts come into my mind that say, "Maybe God doesn't think you'll be a good mom and that's why you aren't getting pregnant."

Deep down I know that is not the reason, and that God does have a specific plan for me and that when I have children it will be the right time, but these thoughts still get to me. 

Then I have these experiences where I run into situations where I see what seems to be an unfit mother. I try not to judge people because in my experience I don't know what they've been through, what kind of day they've had or how long their kid has been crying today. But while I was waiting for Jonathan's appointment to be done, people were coming in and out of the waiting room of the lab at the hospital. These two women walked in and their conversation went as follows 

"Yeah but when I have this kid I'm going to give it to my husband and say this is your fault, you deal with it!" "I just can't get excited about this baby, I'm turing 21 this year and now my birthday will be ruined because of this stupid baby" To which he friend replied " You know studies are inconclusive about drinking alcohol while pregnant so if you do drink you will be fine. After all when I was pregnant with my daughter, I got drunk at like 6 weeks before I realized I was pregnant and look how she turned out!" 

I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to bite my tongue and not scream at these girls "How selfish can you be?! Don't you know people would die to be in your position; that I would die to be in your position???"

So instead of yelling at them, I choked back the tears that were starting to form and prayed as hardest as I could that I wouldn't cry in front of these girls and I wouldn't embarrass myself by yelling in a public place to these people who probably would just remember that I was crazy, crying, and yelling at them because I eavesdropped on their conversation. I prayed to understand why I couldn't have a baby, but this "unfit" person could. I prayed that I wouldn't punch this girl and go to jail for assault. 

As I prayed, there was this overwhelming feeling of peace. God was hearing my prayers, and he understood my frustration. These feelings of self-doubt were coming from the adversary and God did not want me to feel like I was unworthy of being a mom. But He does have a plan, and His reason for postponing my becoming a mom is not because I don't deserve it, or that I won't be a good one. He has a reason, and I may never know it, but regardless He has a plan for my life and for the lives of my future children. 

I think God has allowed me to have these experiences so that I could come to this realization that He has a very specific plan for us. I, of course, knew this but the Lord knew that I needed this reminder. I'm so glad to have had this realization and to have a renewed faith in the Lord's plan and love for me. 

The Most Important Work

I recently had someone say to me, as their child was screaming and crying, "are you sure you really want this?" They went on to complain about how tired they were and how lucky I was I didn't have to deal with this and that. I, of course, replied with "I'm sure I do." But in my heart I was screaming at them, "OF COURSE I want a child. I feel like I need a child!"

Then later that same night I read a blog post by a woman explaining all the reasons why she will never have children. It made me sick to my stomach. The reasons were petty things (in my eyes) like she knew that she needed sleep more than she needed children, or that children were a financial burden. I immediately broke down in tears after reading this article. Not because she was putting down my dream of having kids or because she was one who probably could have children easily if she wanted. I cried because I knew that she was wrong, and she would probably never see it. I cried because I knew that even though I don't have a child to look after right now, I wasn't lucky as I was told earlier that day. 

It was the next day when I was again reminded of this quote. 

Seriously... C.S. Lewis was the bomb dot com in my humble opinion. 

The children of today are the future of tomorrow. They are not a distraction or burden upon present careers or vacations or bank accounts. Yes, they are expensive. Yes, they cry and whine. And yes, when they are teenagers you will probably have to fight tooth and nail with them and they'll probably still think their mom is not cool. But they are also a part of who you are. If you teach them honesty and kindness and charity and love, those things will go forward in the world. Children are your legacy - not your bank account or how many awesome vacations you took. 

It is funny how my view has changed over the last 3 years of our TTC journey.

I was just telling Jonathan last night, when we first started trying to get pregnant it was because I thought "Well it's probably about that time, we've been married for about a year now." and "Wouldn't it be fun to have a little baby to dress up who looked just like us?"

Those were honestly my thoughts. Sure, I understood that having a baby is a big adventure, and that it was going to be a lot of work, but honestly, at that time in my life it wasn't something that I needed. I just thought it would be kind of cool and I saw how cute all the little ones at church were in their Sunday clothes and thought "Yeah we could do that."

Now that we've been trying for over 3 years, my reasoning has changed. I no longer feel like I want a baby to dress up. I don't even necessarily want a baby who might look like me or Jonathan. My want has become a need. My eyes were opened to just how special parenthood is and how much joy it brings. I've seen it in the lives of our friends and family. I understand now more than ever that there is a void in my heart that can be filled no other way. I read a quote from a pastor named David Platt that says "There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

Now, I know that some day I will be a mother. But unfortunately I don't know when. And I feel that pain with every negative pregnancy test and every passing month. I do know that when my child does come - however that may be - I will have a greater love and appreciation for that sweet baby than any amount of money could ever bring to me. 

10 ways you can support someone going through infertility.

Hi there! This is a follow up from my post 9 things not to say to a woman going through infertility
And while that post was mostly meant to be comical, this is serious and real.

Infertility is one of those things that someone shares with you about their lives, and you're not exactly sure what to say to make it better. I get a lot of "I'm sorry" or I get some of the comments from my previous post. Now the comments stated on the previous post are things you definitely shouldn't say, there are some things that can really help a woman in this struggle.

1. Be informed.
I definitely don't mean research all aspects of infertility and conditions that cause it, but be informed of the commonality of infertility, and of her specific issues and treatments. The more you know about her condition or struggles, the more you can be a help and support to her.

2. I'm praying for you. 
I cannot begin to tell you the strength I get from prayer in my life. When someone tells me that they are praying for me, I know the power behind it. I've had so many wonderful people tell me that they are praying for us or have kept us in their prayers and even though there is no baby yet, I can tell you without a doubt that those prayers are what help me through this struggle.

3. Ask them what they need.
Although you cannot do everything, you can find out what they need. Maybe they need a dinner after a procedure or maybe they just need a girls night out. Understand that the response you get might be "Oh, nothing!" But listen to her and you might just pick up enough cues to find out she does in fact need something even if its just a hug.

4. Remember her on Mother's Day.
Mother's day has been one of the hardest days for me the last couple of years. I've been blessed to know wonderful people who always give me a hug and let me know that they are thinking of me. I've even had women tell me that they are grateful for the motherly influence I have on their own children.

5. Tell them about your pregnancy.
I have never expected my friends and family to hold off having a baby, or even a second baby just because I have had issues with it. What I do expect is honesty. Nothing hurts more than being the last one to find out because they were attempting to save hurt feelings. I am always excited to hear about a friend who is having a baby, and it doesn't make me want that same thing for myself any less, I am grateful to hear that another deserving family will be blessed with a beautiful baby.

6. Don't complain about your pregnancy. 
Part two of telling them about your pregnancy is not telling them how much you hate it. I don't want to know that you "just can't get excited about this pregnancy" or you wish you "would have waited a few more months to get pregnant." Remember your growing belly can be a painful reminder to her of something she cannot have right now, so remain positive, even if it is just around her.

7. Be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. 
Sometimes having a friend with infertility can seem like its all you ever hear about. Understand that it is often hard for a woman to confide those very private and raw feelings to someone, and if she does tell you how she's feeling, do NOT break that trust by saying things I mentioned in my previous post. And try to remember that at times less is more when it comes to advice. Sometimes she just needs someone to listen and not judge her.

8. Keep the things she tells you to yourself.
Once again, she chose you to confide in, so don't break that trust. Some of the worst questions or comments I get from people are from ones who have heard from so and so that we're going through treatment and then I get bombarded with a bunch of questions about infertility or my issues from someone I don't really care to talk to about it. Then I end up feeling very resentful toward the person who shared my struggles with other people.

9. Support their decisions. 
If they want to try a new treatment, diet, try adoption/foster care, or stop treatment all together. Support them. They are not asking permission if they tell you they are changing their game plan. If you don't agree with it, keep it to yourself.

10. Attend difficult appointments with them. 
My husband is REALLY busy at work and rarely gets time off during normal hours, and in fact, he has never actually been to one of my infertility appointments, so when a friend offers to go with me, it is a huge relief to me. First, I have someone I can talk to while I wait. Second, I have someone who is there if I get bad/good news who can act as a second set of ears/eyes because let's be honest, these appointments can often be emotional and my mind is going a million miles a second and I need someone with a clear head to confirm that I actually did hear that things are good/bad.


So there you have it. The gist is, just be there, be honest, and help out when you can. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life who have been so supportive to us. I don't think its any coincidence that certain people have been placed in my life the last couple of years to support and help uplift me.

Remember to smile everyone!