It's Been Awhile

Wow, I am sorry its been entirely too long. I want to give a quick recap of the past few months.

I mentioned previously that we had decided to take a couple of months and have a break to emotionally and physically regroup. 

In January, I met with my new doctor. I brought all of my paperwork from my previous doctor and had all my answers for her ready to go. She took one look at me and at my paper work and said 

"You don't have PCOS. I have to confirm through bloodwork, but I am 99% sure you were misdiagnosed."

I'm telling you I felt so much relief and so much disappointment all in one moment, it's a little hard to explain. On one hand for almost 3 years, I had an answer, was on medication and on a path to which I thought was going the right direction. On the other, I thought maybe, just maybe - there is a simpler answer to getting our little one! 

After bloodwork confirmed that I do not have PCOS, my new doctor decided that because I was misdiagnosed, she needed to redo all the testing. So in I went for 2 procedures, countless bloodwork, another analysis for Jon, etc. 

In March the doctor brought us in and said "There is no obvious reason for why you are not getting pregnant. Everything is fine, but you have been trying for long enough - let's get you pregnant!"
Jon asked our doctor, "How many people have unexplained infertility?" and she explained that about 50% of the couples she sees have no answer. If you are in that boat - I feel your frustration.

But, can I just say, I love this doctor? She and her staff have been truly amazing the last 3 months and I feel so comfortable with the journey we are on now, even when we don't have answers. 

So the plan was set that we would do three rounds of injectables with timed intercourse. In April we started our first round of injections. I never thought I would be so excited to give myself a shot every night. I had bruises on my tummy and I had to get an ultrasound and bloodwork every two days. Everything went really well and we were able to trigger on my birthday and followed all the instructions to a "T" but unfortunately it was unsuccessful in ending in pregnancy.

We went back the next month and the doctor did an ultrasound to get us started on the next round and unfortunately found that I had 3 large cysts on my ovaries. Because of this, we could not move forward with that round. I felt like it was our last chance because I was moving to Utah for the summer to complete my internship.

That was a horrible few weeks and I can honestly say the only reason I was able to get through it because of Jon. He is truly my rock and God placed him in my life as my husband for a reason. He has been so strong at times when I feel weak. I don't know what I would do without him.

So where are we now? Currently everything is on pause until August - which is when I will be back from my internship. We are hoping that when I get back we can jump back into the routine and get this baby cooking!

Now that I'm (almost) done with school, I am going to get on a weekly blogging schedule and possibly starting a youtube channel. So stay tuned - there are good thing to come!

Infertility Can Be Funny Sometimes

Life is a funny thing and boy, do I love to laugh. My last few posts have been on some experiences that have been less than happy. I think in any situation we have to find the positives and the things that make us laugh. Those moments give us some relief from the problems that we face. So I've decided to recount some of the funnier things that infertility has brought to us! 

• Having to explain to my husband why I am grabbing my boobs. I, of course, want to make sure that they are really "tender" and I'm not just imagining it. 

• While visiting my German doctor, I would often try and decipher what she was saying. When she first told me that the surgery she was going to do was called "ovarian drilling" I thought there was a translation error. So I was pretty horrified to learn that it was actually the real name. 

• Then while googling "ovarian drilling," I came across a video on youtube that showed the whole procedure. I was watching it during some down time at work, and had to explain to my boss what I was looking at. He immediately walked out of my office shaking his head.

• After my surgery, I talked for 2 hours and I have no recollection of it. My sweet friends listened to me talk about how many languages I can count in, and asking them whether or not they wanted to see my boobs or about how bada** my other doctors mustache was. 

• When people I know started reading my blog, I often got a lot of apologies, because people wanted to make sure that they were the ones that said anything on my list of "things your shouldn't say" to someone with infertility. And then the awkward conversation that follows with me trying to explain that it wasn't about them. 

• The look on someone's face when after they ask if we are trying and respond with "Oh, yeah! We tried last night! We hope it took!" 

• The look on someone's face when I say "I've got a couple bum ovaries so it's taking longer than expected!"

• The time a doctor's wife told me that all I needed to do was wait a couple weeks or months and make sure my husband was "stopped up" and then his sperm would be "super strong."

• The amount of times I slept with a pillow or two under my rear to create a "gravity" affect after a session of "trying."

• The RIDICULOUS things I have cried about while on clomid: mountain dew, having one more pill to take, a swimsuit, my hair... the list could go on and on, but it might get embarrassing. 

• The time my husband told my mom and sister the reason why he liked to eat hummus so much was because it raises sperm count!

There have been countless moments where I have laughed until I cried over the silly things that have happened throughout this journey. And, oh how I needed those times. I think laughter can really be the best medicine in times of trial. When we seek out positive and funny moments, we begin to see positively. Life is easy for no one, but everyone can find humor in it. 

What are some funny things that have happened to you while struggling with infertility? 

Climbing My Mountain

I was recently reading one of my favorite LDS conference talks by Henry B Eyring called Mountains to Climb. I've read it a million times and each time it has struck a chord as I've traveled through the different phases in my life. It has helped me realign my faith in Jesus Christ so that I can better climb these spiritual "mountains."

Henry B. Eyring explains that he asked the Lord to strengthen his faith, and two days later he was hit with the hardest trial in his life. I asked myself why anyone would ask for a trial in their life? Why would you want suffering, tribulation, doubts, and uncertainty?

He goes on to explain that if we rely on our faith and lean on the atonement of Jesus Christ while we endure to the end, we will be strengthened through that trial and be lifted up in the end. (Watch this video for a quick but powerful excerpt from his talk).

Now that we live in Colorado, we can go hiking on many beautiful trails. On Labor Day we decided to hike a trail that was a little difficult at times, as I am still adjusting to this new altitude. I kept thinking, how much longer can this trail go up? It would seem that we were almost at the top and I would look up and see another switchback. I think, at one point, I said "Is this a joke?"

At times I would get a glimpse of the view that was offered through the trees and between peaks of other mountains. And I was almost content enough to stop there and turn back; I didn't really need to finish this trail. I kept going, for only one reason - my husband wanted to finish. People on mountain bikes were coming down the mountain and I thought, it would be nice to just glide through the mountain quickly and be down and finished in no time at all.

Finally, we made it to the top, where we found a huge rock and we climbed up to enjoy the view. Not only was the view bigger and better than the small glimpses I had received earlier, but I could also see the entire other side of the mountain. The climb was worth the view.

Sometimes I don't understand why I am going through this trial of infertility. Why am I being denied the blessing of becoming a mother, albeit just for the time? Will this "mountain" ever stop going up? Will there ever be relief from this trial?

Trials don't go on forever, I know that. But sometimes it is the hard journey we endure, like when we are hiking, that makes us better appreciate the end view. My end view will be a baby in my arms and the hole in my heart will be filled. It will, no doubt, be the biggest blessing in my life.

We all have mountains to climb, different trials to endure. But the most important part of the trial that we have is our willingness to endure it. When we endure, we show God that we are trusting His plan, and He will bless us because of it. We must continue to fight the urge to give up and to settle for less than the blessings that we are going to eventually realize.

It may be hard to remember while we are in the midst of a very painful experience, but the view at the end, the blessing that we will receive for enduring and continuing on, will one day make it all worth it. 

The Black Box

We recently moved from Germany to Colorado. 

Over the last few years while we were TTC, I have collected some baby items that were on sale, or someone gave to me, or blankets my mom kept from when I was a baby. Everything went into a box in our spare bedroom and I would forget about it.

When the movers came to pack our things in Germany, everything was taken out of my box and put it in a box of their own, combined with a lot of other odds and ends. It was marked clothing and after our stuff was delivered it was put into our bedroom. I opened the box and realized that I had no choice but to go through it all. 

During this trial, there are really good days where I feel confident in the Lord's plan, and then there are really bad days where the pain seems to consume everything I do. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of opening that box and taking out every item, every hope, every dream. It was crippling, and I couldn't help but sob as I transferred it all to another box to be stored away, not being used. 

Jonathan walked into the bedroom to find me crying and saw all the baby things and knew exactly what  happened. He didn't say anything just held me while I tried to stop crying. Its not fair. There is honestly no other way to put it. I calculated that we are into our 42nd cycle of trying to conceive. We are well over the 4 year mark of when we actually decided to start trying but with Jonathan's career it has been hard to be consistently trying when he is not home for months at a time. 

That full black box makes me feel empty. I know that one day - no matter how fall off it seems - all that stuff will spit up on, used, dirty, but for now it is the painful constant reminder of the one thing we don't have and the one thing we are missing out on. There is a void in our lives that cannot be filled with anything else. 

Weeks prior to this, I bought a small sign that says "Faith is trusting in what we can't see!" 

If I have learned anything from this last week it is a better resolve to have more faith. I cannot see the end of this trial when every passing month is another battle lost. But even though I cannot see an end in sight, I can have faith that there will be an end to this. The Lord NEVER breaks his promises. I can have faith that the things that the Lord has promised us will one day be realized. I can have faith that there is a reason for this painful trial. I have have faith that through this trial, I can learn something and hopefully help someone else. 

It's been awhile.. How about some updates!

After I shared my blog publicly, it was like everything in our life turned upside down!

Jonathan was admitted to the hospital in May with a spontaneous lung collapse, because apparently your lung can randomly, with no warning or trauma, collapse. It was pretty serious and he spent 10 days in the hospital where he had a chest tube put in and two pieces of his lung removed.

Thankfully, he is doing MUCH better. And I am so glad to see the difference, because it is really scary watching your husband in the ICU not being able to breath while his skin starts slowly turn gray. He is getting back to normal now, and will hopefully be able to get back to his previous activity level.

Soon after he was released from the hospital, my family came to visit for one last hoorah be for we moved from Germany. The day after they left, all of our furniture and belongings were packed up and put on a ship and two weeks after that we left our home in Germany.

It was so bittersweet to leave our home for the last three years. There is always going to be a hole in my heart where Germany was, but I am glad to be settled in our new home in Colorado. We've been here for a week and already we love it. I am glad to be within a 5 minute drive from Target and to be able to go to Walmart at 11:00 pm if I need to!

I am excited to get a new doctor and take the next step in this infertility journey. My last round of clomid was taken in July and failed. It was heart breaking - I think more so this time because I knew what it would mean for us; IUI/IVF, thousands of dollars, injections, tests, more tests, ultrasounds, and probably a lot more tears. And to be honest with you, I'm tired. I'm so drained, emotionally and physically, from everything. The clomid unfortunately made me gain weight, I hate the way I feel, like I'm constantly fatigued. Like I'm fighting this battle against myself.

In a way, it felt like I was giving up. But after thinking and praying, I know that sometimes you need to take a step back from the constant worrying and obsessing over something and regroup.
So I told Jonathan that instead of jumping right into getting a new doctor and starting medication and treatment right away, I want to wait. It's painful to decide that I don't want to try to have a baby right now, but its not forever. We need to settle in our new home, decompress from the stress of the last few months, get my body healthy, and then jump back into it.

I'm giving myself a few months. I would like to start seeing a doctor again at the first of the new year. We are going to save as much money as we can so that we will be prepared for the financial strain that is coming our way. I am going to be working on making my body as healthy as can be, so that hopefully it will increase my chances of getting pregnant. I'm also making a commitment to post more, and hopefully share some insight and encouraging posts with others who are struggling!

Thank you for all the support I have received over the last few months after sharing my blog. It is so comforting to know how many people are rooting for you and to connect with other women and couples who are struggling as well! We pray for you daily and know that God has a plan for each and every one of us. For now, hold on to each other, to your faith, and keep fighting!

You are NOT Alone - He Remembers the Barren.

I'm a religious person, and I have not hid that in writing this blog. 

Today I was reading in the New Testament for a class I'm taking for school. We have a student choice assignment, with one choice being to write a blog post about what we learned. As soon as I finished reading, I knew I needed to write what I felt here. I chose the second topic choice, being Luke, chapter 1 - the birth of John the Baptist. 

Luke 1:36 - 37 KJV

"(36) And, behold, the cousin Elisabeth, she hath also conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her, who was called barren. (37) For with God nothing shall be impossible."

Now we know that Elisabeth was an old woman in her "stricken years" and even in her young years she was considered barren and unable to have a child. I know how Elisabeth felt. I know the pain she felt when she saw her husbands sadness at not having a child. I know how she felt watching other mothers love their babies.
I know why so many people were so happy and rejoiced that Elisabeth was carrying a child. They rejoiced that this woman who never had a child would bring forth a miracle and an important hand in the plan of our Heavenly Father. 

There are times when going through this trial of infertility, that I feel very alone. I feel like I am working toward the impossible. After all, if my doctor can't fix it, I guess it can't be done. 

I feel like Mary a little bit in this trial; I question, how can this happen? How can the things God has promised me come to pass? 

As Gabriel, the angel, said to Mary, "nothing" is impossible for God. 

God had a plan for Elisabeth. 

God has a plan for me. 

We are not forgotten. We are not alone. He is with us. He is our greatest supporter and our greatest strength. He remembers the barren and he blesses us for our faith and our patience. We can rejoice in knowing that God knows us, our pains, and our suffering and He will provide a way to give us what He has planned. 

Nothing is impossible for God. 

What Am I Supposed To Be Learning?

I just got home from an extremely disappointing appointment. 

My doctor said "There is nothing else I can do for you."

Everything checks out; my hormone analysis looks fine, Jonathan is fine, my ultrasound looks fine. 

So where is my baby? Where is my positive test? Why isn't it happening??

Frustrated is the only word that even kind of describes how I'm feeling. 

I got in my car and with tears in my eyes backed into the car behind me - thank goodness there was no damage! 

I got to the pharmacy to fill my prescription and they told me that they cannot get it in. 

On top of all of that, I'm pretty sure I've got strep-throat. 

It seems like the whole world is conspiring against me, and I hate to be a whiner, but I kept thinking why me?

I was praying on my drive home, asking "What do I need to learn to get through this trial?" 

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? 3 1/2 years is such a long time. 

But I have to remember, other people have done longer. Other people are enduring worse things than me. This is not a punishment for something I did wrong. Wanting a baby is a good and righteous desire. So I started to think about the blessings that have come from this trial... 

I have an even closer relationship with my husband, Jonathan.

My testimony of the Atonement has increased ten-fold. 

I've met some amazing people who have similar stories. 

I have gained knowledge of so many things that will help me in my future career. 

I'm beginning to understand what true faith really is.

The list could go on and on I'm sure, but those blessings right there have helped make this journey easier, and I'm sure one day I will look back and think that all the blessings gained from this trial will make it all worth it. For now, I'm not sure what I am supposed to be learning, if anything. I do know that God has a plan for me. All of these problems and trials are molding me into a better person, into a more compassionate and understanding person; someone that God wants me to be. 

Updates and a Realization

It's been awhile; I had a broken computer, the German pharmacies were out of clomid (I can't make this stuff up) and so 2 months went by without taking it, so there wasn't much to update on.

 I had another visit with the doctor. We've got 4 more rounds of clomid and then it's on to IVF. The doctor double my dosage, so let's see what the next 4 months have in store for us.

In someways I'm a little relieved to know that we have an end in sight to taking clomid and we can move onto something else. But in others I know that IVF and/or adoption is a little far off for us - speaking of that, does anyone have an extra $15,000 laying around? HA! 

Jonathan had his "check-up" and everything is fine, just as I suspected. 

Recently, I've been having a lot of self-doubt. Thoughts come into my mind that say, "Maybe God doesn't think you'll be a good mom and that's why you aren't getting pregnant."

Deep down I know that is not the reason, and that God does have a specific plan for me and that when I have children it will be the right time, but these thoughts still get to me. 

Then I have these experiences where I run into situations where I see what seems to be an unfit mother. I try not to judge people because in my experience I don't know what they've been through, what kind of day they've had or how long their kid has been crying today. But while I was waiting for Jonathan's appointment to be done, people were coming in and out of the waiting room of the lab at the hospital. These two women walked in and their conversation went as follows 

"Yeah but when I have this kid I'm going to give it to my husband and say this is your fault, you deal with it!" "I just can't get excited about this baby, I'm turing 21 this year and now my birthday will be ruined because of this stupid baby" To which he friend replied " You know studies are inconclusive about drinking alcohol while pregnant so if you do drink you will be fine. After all when I was pregnant with my daughter, I got drunk at like 6 weeks before I realized I was pregnant and look how she turned out!" 

I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to bite my tongue and not scream at these girls "How selfish can you be?! Don't you know people would die to be in your position; that I would die to be in your position???"

So instead of yelling at them, I choked back the tears that were starting to form and prayed as hardest as I could that I wouldn't cry in front of these girls and I wouldn't embarrass myself by yelling in a public place to these people who probably would just remember that I was crazy, crying, and yelling at them because I eavesdropped on their conversation. I prayed to understand why I couldn't have a baby, but this "unfit" person could. I prayed that I wouldn't punch this girl and go to jail for assault. 

As I prayed, there was this overwhelming feeling of peace. God was hearing my prayers, and he understood my frustration. These feelings of self-doubt were coming from the adversary and God did not want me to feel like I was unworthy of being a mom. But He does have a plan, and His reason for postponing my becoming a mom is not because I don't deserve it, or that I won't be a good one. He has a reason, and I may never know it, but regardless He has a plan for my life and for the lives of my future children. 

I think God has allowed me to have these experiences so that I could come to this realization that He has a very specific plan for us. I, of course, knew this but the Lord knew that I needed this reminder. I'm so glad to have had this realization and to have a renewed faith in the Lord's plan and love for me. 

The Most Important Work

I recently had someone say to me, as their child was screaming and crying, "are you sure you really want this?" They went on to complain about how tired they were and how lucky I was I didn't have to deal with this and that. I, of course, replied with "I'm sure I do." But in my heart I was screaming at them, "OF COURSE I want a child. I feel like I need a child!"

Then later that same night I read a blog post by a woman explaining all the reasons why she will never have children. It made me sick to my stomach. The reasons were petty things (in my eyes) like she knew that she needed sleep more than she needed children, or that children were a financial burden. I immediately broke down in tears after reading this article. Not because she was putting down my dream of having kids or because she was one who probably could have children easily if she wanted. I cried because I knew that she was wrong, and she would probably never see it. I cried because I knew that even though I don't have a child to look after right now, I wasn't lucky as I was told earlier that day. 

It was the next day when I was again reminded of this quote. 

Seriously... C.S. Lewis was the bomb dot com in my humble opinion. 

The children of today are the future of tomorrow. They are not a distraction or burden upon present careers or vacations or bank accounts. Yes, they are expensive. Yes, they cry and whine. And yes, when they are teenagers you will probably have to fight tooth and nail with them and they'll probably still think their mom is not cool. But they are also a part of who you are. If you teach them honesty and kindness and charity and love, those things will go forward in the world. Children are your legacy - not your bank account or how many awesome vacations you took. 

It is funny how my view has changed over the last 3 years of our TTC journey.

I was just telling Jonathan last night, when we first started trying to get pregnant it was because I thought "Well it's probably about that time, we've been married for about a year now." and "Wouldn't it be fun to have a little baby to dress up who looked just like us?"

Those were honestly my thoughts. Sure, I understood that having a baby is a big adventure, and that it was going to be a lot of work, but honestly, at that time in my life it wasn't something that I needed. I just thought it would be kind of cool and I saw how cute all the little ones at church were in their Sunday clothes and thought "Yeah we could do that."

Now that we've been trying for over 3 years, my reasoning has changed. I no longer feel like I want a baby to dress up. I don't even necessarily want a baby who might look like me or Jonathan. My want has become a need. My eyes were opened to just how special parenthood is and how much joy it brings. I've seen it in the lives of our friends and family. I understand now more than ever that there is a void in my heart that can be filled no other way. I read a quote from a pastor named David Platt that says "There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

Now, I know that some day I will be a mother. But unfortunately I don't know when. And I feel that pain with every negative pregnancy test and every passing month. I do know that when my child does come - however that may be - I will have a greater love and appreciation for that sweet baby than any amount of money could ever bring to me. 

10 ways you can support someone going through infertility.

Hi there! This is a follow up from my post 9 things not to say to a woman going through infertility
And while that post was mostly meant to be comical, this is serious and real.

Infertility is one of those things that someone shares with you about their lives, and you're not exactly sure what to say to make it better. I get a lot of "I'm sorry" or I get some of the comments from my previous post. Now the comments stated on the previous post are things you definitely shouldn't say, there are some things that can really help a woman in this struggle.

1. Be informed.
I definitely don't mean research all aspects of infertility and conditions that cause it, but be informed of the commonality of infertility, and of her specific issues and treatments. The more you know about her condition or struggles, the more you can be a help and support to her.

2. I'm praying for you. 
I cannot begin to tell you the strength I get from prayer in my life. When someone tells me that they are praying for me, I know the power behind it. I've had so many wonderful people tell me that they are praying for us or have kept us in their prayers and even though there is no baby yet, I can tell you without a doubt that those prayers are what help me through this struggle.

3. Ask them what they need.
Although you cannot do everything, you can find out what they need. Maybe they need a dinner after a procedure or maybe they just need a girls night out. Understand that the response you get might be "Oh, nothing!" But listen to her and you might just pick up enough cues to find out she does in fact need something even if its just a hug.

4. Remember her on Mother's Day.
Mother's day has been one of the hardest days for me the last couple of years. I've been blessed to know wonderful people who always give me a hug and let me know that they are thinking of me. I've even had women tell me that they are grateful for the motherly influence I have on their own children.

5. Tell them about your pregnancy.
I have never expected my friends and family to hold off having a baby, or even a second baby just because I have had issues with it. What I do expect is honesty. Nothing hurts more than being the last one to find out because they were attempting to save hurt feelings. I am always excited to hear about a friend who is having a baby, and it doesn't make me want that same thing for myself any less, I am grateful to hear that another deserving family will be blessed with a beautiful baby.

6. Don't complain about your pregnancy. 
Part two of telling them about your pregnancy is not telling them how much you hate it. I don't want to know that you "just can't get excited about this pregnancy" or you wish you "would have waited a few more months to get pregnant." Remember your growing belly can be a painful reminder to her of something she cannot have right now, so remain positive, even if it is just around her.

7. Be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. 
Sometimes having a friend with infertility can seem like its all you ever hear about. Understand that it is often hard for a woman to confide those very private and raw feelings to someone, and if she does tell you how she's feeling, do NOT break that trust by saying things I mentioned in my previous post. And try to remember that at times less is more when it comes to advice. Sometimes she just needs someone to listen and not judge her.

8. Keep the things she tells you to yourself.
Once again, she chose you to confide in, so don't break that trust. Some of the worst questions or comments I get from people are from ones who have heard from so and so that we're going through treatment and then I get bombarded with a bunch of questions about infertility or my issues from someone I don't really care to talk to about it. Then I end up feeling very resentful toward the person who shared my struggles with other people.

9. Support their decisions. 
If they want to try a new treatment, diet, try adoption/foster care, or stop treatment all together. Support them. They are not asking permission if they tell you they are changing their game plan. If you don't agree with it, keep it to yourself.

10. Attend difficult appointments with them. 
My husband is REALLY busy at work and rarely gets time off during normal hours, and in fact, he has never actually been to one of my infertility appointments, so when a friend offers to go with me, it is a huge relief to me. First, I have someone I can talk to while I wait. Second, I have someone who is there if I get bad/good news who can act as a second set of ears/eyes because let's be honest, these appointments can often be emotional and my mind is going a million miles a second and I need someone with a clear head to confirm that I actually did hear that things are good/bad.


So there you have it. The gist is, just be there, be honest, and help out when you can. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life who have been so supportive to us. I don't think its any coincidence that certain people have been placed in my life the last couple of years to support and help uplift me.

Remember to smile everyone!

Clomid Round Two

Long story short... 

Starting cycle day 8 I took ovulation tests (OPK) for the next 8 days. If you've never taken an OPK before, they are like really hard to read. The test line basically has to be as dark or darker than the control line or else its negative. These were all my tests. 

 I was getting negatives every day and feel super discouraged. I felt like I was taking this medicine for nothing because it wasn't even working. But then I had my mid-month appointment with my doctor.

 I had an ultrasound and found out that I had actually ovulated that morning. This was my reaction... 

I may have even yelled "SURPRISE!!!" 

Ok, not really, but really I was so freaking excited. Turns out that my test from the day before was actually positive, even though the line looked lighter it had a strip in part of it that was a little darker than the test line. The doctor gave the go ahead to "get down to business" and sent me on my way. 

But in the end I'm not pregnant and so we are going for round two. 

I felt really sorry for myself at first but then I realized that the clomid actually worked. Sure, I'm not pregnant, but I ovulated - which is definitely more than I can say for the past 3 years. And that alone is reason enough to smile. We are on our way to fixing this problem and making that baby. 

9 things NOT to say to a woman going through infertility.

If we had a dollar for every time someone gave us some "advice" on our infertility issues, we could probably have enough money for a round of IVF or to adopt a precious baby. 

I get it though. It's one of those situations where you're not really sure what to say to make it better and so you make up some story about how your aunt's-college roommate's-best friend's-doctor's-ex lover had success by sticking her head in a bucket of mash potatoes every night during her fertile days and she got pregnant doing that after 7 years of trying. 

Ok - I've never had anyone tell me that specific story, but definitely some far fetched ideas have been thrown our way. So here is my list of things that you probably should avoid telling a couple who is suffering through infertility.  

1. JUST RELAX AND IT'LL HAPPEN

I'm listing this one first because it is by far the most common. Infertility is a very stressful process - every month she goes through pretty much the same thing. She starts her period, she counts her days so that she knows which days to look for during the cycle. She charts her temperature. She takes ovulation tests. When (more like if in my case) she gets a positive she calls her husband to hurry up and come home because it's time to do the baby dance. And they probably do that baby dance for the next 3 days and then there is the two-week-wait. And during that wait she is analyzing every symptom her body is giving her and thinking, hoping, that it in fact a sign of pregnancy; all while charting her temps, checking cervical fluid, and eating as many fertility super foods as she can. And then when she hits that day where she decides to take a test and it turns out that her boobs do not hurt because she is pregnant, or the nausea that she had yesterday was not morning sickness, because it's negative. Then later that day or maybe a couple days after that - she starts her period. It's a vicious and seems-to-be never ending cycle. It's a little bit hard to relax. 

2. WELL AT LEAST YOU GET TO HAVE FUN "TRYING"

DO NOT get me wrong, I love being with my husband. But when my phone chimes at me and says "You're fertile, have sex today!" I want to roll my eyes. It is my belief that God gave us the ability to have sex for two reasons; to procreate and to be intimate and express love to our spouse. When you are trying to get pregnant on a timeline and you are just doing it because it is supposedly the right time, it takes the romance completely out. 

3. I WASN'T EVEN TRYING AND WE GOT PREGNANT

There is nothing worse than hearing from friend about how she wasn't even trying and she just decided to take a test randomly and it was positive. I'm happy for you that you get to have a baby, but don't brag about being Fertile Myrtle, all she will want to do is punch you in the mouth. 

4. BEING PREGNANT IS SO MISERABLE

There are so many things I could say about this but I will keep it as short as I can. Do not complain to a woman who spends tons of money and time trying to be in your situation. There is a woman I know who has regularly complained to me and in front of me (and knows my situation) about how she did not want her youngest child and about how miserable she was and how she is grateful for her child now that they are here but she just hated it and she gained so much weight and didn't want him and blah blah blah. WHAT? 

Understand this; women dealing with infertility do not want to be pregnant - they want a child. It is not about being pregnant and finding out the gender and buying maternity clothes and having people fuss over you. We want a baby - plain and simple. We would gladly endure months of morning sickness and tons of weight gain just to have a baby at the end of it all. 

5. WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADOPT?

My husband and I fully plan to adopt one day. We have talked about it since we were engaged and didn't even know we would fight this battle. Whether we have blood related children, we will still adopt children one day. Unfortunately, adoption is very expensive. Many couples going through infertility have already spent thousands upon thousands of dollars doing Clomid, IUI, IVF, etc. A lot of couple take out loans to pay for these costs and when the time comes to try adoption, $40,000 for the average private adoption seems impossible. 

I will post another time about the reasons why adoption isn't possible for us at the moment, or else we might have already done that. 

6. YOU'RE SO LUCKY YOU GET TO DO....... WITHOUT KIDS.

We get this one a lot in regards to traveling. Living in Europe has afforded us so many opportunities to get out and see the world. We've had people time and time again tell us how lucky we are that we don't have to tote around a carseat or diaper bag or whatever and we can just go travel. I love traveling and I love living in Europe, but I know that these times of traveling childless will mean nothing to me in comparison of holding my little baby for the first time, or seeing my husband rock our child to sleep. I'll take a couple of kids over traveling the world any day. 

7. IT'S JUST NOT IN GOD'S PLAN 

I'm sorry, did you get a direct revelation from the guy upstairs Himself? I didn't think so. I know God wants me to have children, and I know he will provide a way one day for us to do so. Enough said. 

8. YOU WANT KIDS? HERE JUST TAKE MINE.

I love kids - I work with them all day. But offering up your misbehaving 4 year old to me is no consolation to the fact that I can't have kids right now. And no, I don't want to take your kids for a couple nights so I can "see what I'm trying to get myself into" thanks though!

9. JUST KEEP "AT IT" AND IT'LL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY

You mean that I have to keep having sex with my husband to get pregnant? And exactly how long to you keep at it? 2 years? 3 years? 7 years? Oh and then tell me that you got pregnant in one month because you just kept "doing it". 

Oh no wonder we haven't gotten pregnant yet.... 

All in all if you know someone who is going through this painful struggle just be there for her. Listen when she needs an ear and unless you've been through infertility yourself, try not to give any advice. She's chosen you to confide in, do not lose that trust by saying something that can further her hurting. 

Look out for my follow up post on things you SHOULD say to someone going through infertility. 

Keep Smiling! 

First Round of Clomid & How I'm Grinning Through It

Today is the last day (of 5 days) of our first round of clomid. 

Let me just say, it hasn't been the easiest week ever. 

Estrogen is quite the pest if its being over produced for 5 days straight. 

We picked it up on Monday and I took it as soon as I got home. (See how happy we were?)

I didn't notice much the first night other than a slight headache about 4 hours after taking it. 

Day 2 was a little bit different. I had a couple of hot flashes and a pretty decent headache but I felt okay for the most part. Jonathan called after work and asked if he should pick anything up on his way home. All I wanted was a Mt. Dew - for some reason I was craving it even though for years I have been nothing but a DP kinda girl. He said that he didn't think I should drink Mt. Dew because its bad for me, bad for my teeth, bad if I get pregnant... blah blah blah. I told him I wanted it anyway and if he couldn't find any at the store I would settle for a juice. 

20 minutes later he's home and hands me a bottle of juice. And that's when I broke down. I cried, I yelled, I got angry. I told him that he didn't get to choose what I put in my body when I'm the one going through all of these side effects and treatments. 

Poor guy. 

He's been a trooper though. He is truly THE best. I told him next time he sees me starting to get upset just to tell me that the Estrogen monster is showing it's ugly face and to just slap me. He's been a little bit nicer when those times did come and has just been calmly telling me he thinks I need a minute. How blessed am I? For real.

Days 3 and 4 were okay other than feeling super bloated, nauseous, and hot. I wake up a lot at night feeling really hot which makes sleeping pretty impossible but we are working through it and taking it day by day. I did get upset and cry at insignificant things but I've got the best shoulder to cry on.

 I'm about to go take the last dose for this cycle. And then comes about 3 weeks of waiting (SIGH).

I'm able to grin through all of these side effects this week because I thought we were going to be about 2 months away from these treatments. Jon was scheduled to be at a training for work for 26 days, and it fell through and he came home at the last minute. I called my doctor the next day to make an appointment because he was home. Usually it takes about a month to get in to see her, but the nurse asked if I could come in on Friday. I ended up starting my cycle on Wednesday and when the appointment came around the doctor thought everything looked great and was confident that I should be able to start the treatments. 

Seriously, the timing could not have been any more perfect. Clomid has to be taken on certain days of the cycle; either 3-7 or 5-9 depending on what the doctor sees on a scan. I had been feeling in limbo for months of waiting to be able to begin fertility treatments and it all worked out so smoothly. I've got follow up appointments for ultrasounds and blood work in the next coming weeks! 

I know the Lord works in ways that we cannot understand. I don't think that there are really such things as coincidences. I'm not getting hopes up of pregnancy this time around but the doctor is confident that in 3-4 rounds we should finally see our big fat positive. 

Purpose.

Infertility is hard - like really gut-wrenching, heart-breaking hard. 

3 years (and counting) of waiting is a long time. And the worst part of it is, I don't know how much longer it will be until we can meet our future baby. 

And we REALLY want to meet them.

I spend a lot of the time reading articles and books about infertility and PCOS. I guess I'm trying to fill the time that I would spend caring for a baby. I've had surgeries and procedures, taken tons of medications, more blood tests than I can count, and I don't even know how much money we've spent on ovulation and pregnancy tests. Month after month of disappointment really begins to weigh on a person.

I was very bitter for awhile. It seemed as if EVERYONE was getting exactly what I wanted and just couldn't have. I found myself depressed, angry, and obsessing over how horrible my life seemed. Not only were people we knew getting pregnant once, but they had the audacity to have a second baby... Before we even had our first?! I couldn't walk through the store without seeing a pregnant woman and instantly turning away. I couldn't be happy for friends who were able to get pregnant within the first few months of "trying". I would cry seeing baby clothes at the store. As you can imagine, my emotions were getting a little out of hand. 

Then a few months ago I had a realization. I saw this woman waddling through the store and instantly felt mad at her. WHAT? I thought to myself - how freaking silly. I don't know her. I've never walked (or waddled) in her shoes. Maybe she got pregnant after 3 years of trying and enduring infertility treatments. Maybe she had lost a baby. Maybe she had no trouble at all. And then it hit me - whatever her story was, she didn't get pregnant to HURT ME. She probably got pregnant because she wanted the same things I did; she wanted to be a mom and she was going to love her baby, no matter how much I wished that I had what she had. So instead of looking away, I decided to smile at her. 

I realized that I may never get pregnant - and that is the cold hard truth. It won't be the end of the world, and it will hurt like hell, but I will be ok. I'll be a mother - whether I get pregnant, adopt, foster, get a surrogate, or whatever else. I WILL be a mother. 

It doesn't make me any less of a woman because I can't get pregnant (whether that's just for now, or forever). It doesn't mean that my life is not worth living. After all, I have so much to be thankful for - a wonderful caring husband, a home, food in my fridge, healthcare, a bed to sleep in at night, a job that I love, and the Lord helping me along the way. I came to understand how ungrateful I was being. I had so many things that so many people around the world would die for and I needed to stop taking my blessings for granted. 

Life is not meant to be miserable - but everyone has hard times. There are people who have many more hard times than I can even comprehend. When I smiled at that woman with swollen ankles and tired eyes that I envied so much, I finally understood; if we can smile through the hard times and endure the pain of our trials we can be happy, even when it seems like things are falling apart. Her returned smile changed my attitude and helped me begin to find my happiness through infertility. 

I know that I'm still going to have bad days, and there will be days that I will still complain and cry and wonder why me? But I know that if I grin and bear it through the rough times, I will come out stronger than I ever have been. 

I want to take my experiences, good and bad, and use them for the greater good. I want to help other women who are in my situation, try and see a light at the end of the tunnel, because there is an end of the long tunnel of infertility. And if I can reach and touch the life of just one of the other 7 million women going through infertility, I will know that all of this time and pain we've endured will have been worth it. 

Join us as we learn to enjoy the good times and "grin and baer it" through the not so good. 

-Kailey